BAKER HALL — After trying several times to help one of his students with a difficult problem set, Materials Science Professor Dr. Jared Schafer was still attempting to comprehend Sophie Adler’s ’18 baffling inability to understand difficult concepts. “I’m really having a hard time understanding why you’re not getting this,” he said to the novice…
ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. A…
LYNAH RINK—Big Red Men’s Ice Hockey’s 4–1 loss to Union College was a relief for Interim President Michael Kotlikoff, who has faced criticism for a recent statement regarding the University’s ongoing negotiations with Cornell Graduate Students United (CGSU). “The notion that Cornell engages in ‘Union busting’ is ridiculous,” Kotlikoff wrote in an email sent shortly…
HO PLAZA — The Cornell campus was on high alert at 11 p.m. last night when a horde of squirrels went into a frenzy through campus after the Squirrel Watching Club neglected its duties during finals week to watch squirrels for radical behavior. “We acknowledge our shortcomings, and we apologize,” said Elizabeth Harvey ’16, president…
KENNEDY HALL—Patrons of Trillium Dining Hall were left scrambling for headphones and ear plugs after an auditory assault by one diner who takes KFC’s mantra to heart. “It was like listening to a baby gargle its own spit up,” stated a shaken Maria Sanchez ‘24, who was sitting right across from the auricular assassin when…
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After a particularly tense Thanksgiving dinner peppered with snide remarks, Jane Davidson ’19 was surprised by the kindness prompted by the last slice of pumpkin pie. “I got riled up when Janey rolled up our damn driveway with her blue Prius and Hillary 2016 sticker,” said Davidson’s ultra conservative grandfather as…
McGRAW HALL- Sources state that, while lecturing in his Intro to American History class, hilarious professor Curt Thomas showed off his brilliant sense of humor by saying the ‘F’-word on multiple occasions. “The first time he said [The ‘F’-word], I thought I misheard him,” said a baffled Rebecca Andrews ‘15. “I looked around at all…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college lives. “It’s exactly how I…
BECKER HOUSE—Betty Keepler ‘22 considered herself lucky when her roommate Gloria Powell ‘22 informed her of her plans to drive her older sister’s compact SUV cross-country for the 2019-2020 school year. “She offered to drive me to my therapy appointments in Collegetown, which was super nice of her,” said Keepler “Parking passes are expensive, so…
