CU Nooz – Page 132

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university. “I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal…

Freshman from England Used to Eating Inedible Food

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

MORRISON DINING—In just their first week on campus, freshmen have been subjected to unsavory dining hall food due to the ongoing strike of Cornell Dining workers. In response, many of these new students and their parents have taken to social media to express their frustrations. One student, however, doesn’t seem to mind the new dining…

Cornell to Stop Offering Need-blind Aid After Getting Fooled by Nigerian Prince Email Scam Again

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — Cornell Office of Financial Aid announced plans to both end need-blind admissions for international students and raise tuition last week after they had, for the second time, wired ten million dollars to a self-proclaimed Nigerian Prince over Western Union and needed to make up the lost capital quickly. “We will begin admitting…

Fall Rush Mandates 5 Hours Cuddling Per 1 Hour Hazing

Nooz Staff8 years ago7 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of hazing scandals and the rise of fall rush, the University Interfraternity and Panhellenic Councils have mandated fraternities and sororities provide 5 hours of cuddle time for each hour of hazing. “We recognize that we have failed at preventing hazing altogether,” admitted Emma Klipton, a chair of the judicial board. “This step…

Plum Tree Workers Stockpile Saké Bombs in Anticipation of Formal Season

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

PLUM TREE —Though it’s quiet in the empty restaurant this morning, Jamie Takahashi, Plum Tree owner, knows it’s the calm before the storm. “We are a restaurant haunted by its past and preparing for its future. Formal season is about to begin and unless we’re ready, we’ll be obliterated.” “Every year, Collegetown restaurants face an…

Girls Night! Gaggle of Amorphous Puffer Jackets Mobilizes Toward Level B

Nooz Staff1 year ago1 year ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Ithaca winter weather brings plummeting temperatures and gale-force winds, making a meager 32 degrees feel like sub-zero. The temperature alone is enough to dishearten even the most ardent winter enthusiasts. However, there is but one force stronger than the most biting chill of a Cornell February, inextinguishable by the elements, that scarcely dims in the…

Elizabeth Garrett Out of BRBs

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…

“What Have I Done”: Student Who Pregamed ClubFest Awakens to 573 Unread GroupMe Messages

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations. “Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve…

Skorton Reveals Plan to Cover Entire Campus in Giant Glass Dome by 2017

Nooz Staff12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.” “Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural…

Senior Thrilled to Pick Which Two Family Members Get Heatstroke

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

ITHACA, NY—With the new announcement that each graduating senior would receive two tickets for guests, students were delighted at the prospect of selecting which family members they’d send to the hospital for severe heat injuries. “I was so relieved to get that email,” said Marvin Thomas ’21. “A graduation without grandparents dropping like flies and…

OP-ED: Friend Who Studies Info Sci Thinks I Know What That Means

Class of 2018 to be 100% Diverse

“You Shouldn’t Have Done That,” Says Levitating, Glowing-Eyed Professor as Student Stays in Class Past Drop Deadline

Phew! Class Crush Gives Ick Just in Time for Drop Deadline

Cornell Officially Closes at 5 AM, Professor Moves Class to 4 AM

Unhoused Sophomore Unable to Sing Along to Flo Rida’s “My House”

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Freshman from England Used to Eating Inedible Food

Cornell to Stop Offering Need-blind Aid After Getting Fooled by Nigerian Prince Email Scam Again

Fall Rush Mandates 5 Hours Cuddling Per 1 Hour Hazing

Plum Tree Workers Stockpile Saké Bombs in Anticipation of Formal Season

Girls Night! Gaggle of Amorphous Puffer Jackets Mobilizes Toward Level B

Elizabeth Garrett Out of BRBs

“What Have I Done”: Student Who Pregamed ClubFest Awakens to 573 Unread GroupMe Messages

Skorton Reveals Plan to Cover Entire Campus in Giant Glass Dome by 2017

Senior Thrilled to Pick Which Two Family Members Get Heatstroke