JAMESON HALL — For almost a full month, Jared Lake, a freshman in the College of Arts & Sciences, has been waiting impatiently for any reason at all allowing him to punch his roommate in the teeth without being reprimanded. “One wrong move. He just needs to make one wrong move and I’ll have carte…
BAILEY HALL – Excitement has been building on the Cornell campus in anticipation of this Friday night, when several hundred lucky students will get the chance to see every photographed Human of New York crowd into Bailey Hall. “When the Program Board announced that they were bringing over 6,000 people photographed by Brandon Stanton, I…
BARTON HALL- Jeremy Schmidt ’19, a Freshman AEM major, stopped by today’s career fair to present the J.P. Morgan recruiters with a distinguished copy of the same resume he used in high school. “National Honor Society AND Recycling Club. Once J.P. Morgan sees that, they can’t turn me down,” stated Schmidt, who is 3 weeks…
KENNEDY HALL — After failing to find any of his friends in the Trillium food court, Junior Biology Major Anthony Demsas announced plans to sit directly next to you today during lunch, despite the numerous available seats located at any other table. “Do you mind if I sit here, right next to you?” asked Demsas,…
HO PLAZA — Senior Justine Mangold was seen walking around Ho Plaza with a handheld whiteboard and expensive HD camera, eagerly looking for clubs that might need them in order to engage with the student community. “I thought somebody out here would want to use my 10.2 Mega pixel Nikon D3000 to effectively capture the…
GOLDWIN SMITH — As the semester begins, Cornell’s numerous a capella groups are starting their search for students who can do a very convincing air guitar. “We have some really good singers, but the fact is that we won’t get better as a group until we find that perfect guy who can mime an electric…
HO PLAZA – A recent survey has found that a staggering majority of Cornell’s Ithaca campus is now composed entirely of sidewalk chalk art. “The clock tower completely calcified and turned bright blue a few days ago, it really freaked everyone out” said Sybil Sha ‘16, covered head-to-toe in pastel dust. Researchers at present do…
DONLON HALL – After a few days of attempting to secure new friendships with merely his kind nature and sense of humor, Ari Neilson ’19 has decided to change his strategy, hoping now to lure friends solely by hanging a large Bob Marley poster in his room. “I thought I could establish lifelong friendships by…
DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…
McGOVERN FIELDS — As setup for this weekend’s Spartan College Classic obstacle course commences, organizers of the event have revealed one of the most challenging obstacles of the race will be the decision of whether or not to give up early and go home. After ten minutes of crawling through mud, participants in the Spartan…
