COLLEGETOWN—Saturday night festivities were in full swing last week and while some were busy with unproductive activities such as drinking and drugs, others were making some very public money moves. Power couple Angela Henderson ’25 and Eli Wilson ’24 spent their evening at Hideaway in a dark corner locking lips and grinding with abandon. “Some…
Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun DUFFIELD HALL— Clearly knowing jack shit about its audience, the Solar Cross Society just advertised anti-semitism to a campus full of Jews. Way to start recruitment on the worst fucking foot! In a student body that’s 59.3% non-white and 21% Jewish, who do these idiotic dumbass half-wits think they…
In light of recent cutbacks on campus employees, beloved Oakenshields worker David “Happy Dave” Stravinsky has been asked to take a leave of absence and will be replaced by another, less enthusiastic employee. Happy Dave has worked as a greeter, card-swiper, and rodent exterminator for Okenshilds since 1973 when he graduated from Cornell University. Dave’s…
BARTON HALL—In a surprising display of unanimity, the Cornell University Police Department released survey results this past week showing a 107% approval rating of their performance in campus security. “We had a great pool of 7 respondents, 8 of whom said they had absolutely no problem with police on campus,” Police Chief David Honan commented….
Thousands of students on campus have found themselves less alone this Valentine’s Day with a little help from an old study buddy: ChatGPT. Thanks to the indistinguishable array of data on the internet, singles can craft their perfect partner through artificial intelligence; bolstered by the romantic holiday, some have even decided to take their relationships…
COLLEGETOWN— Cornell’s latest efforts to ensure pedestrian safety has had a tangible impact in Collegetown, where the average speed of a car hitting a pedestrian has gone down from 80 mph to 75 mph. The new law reduced the speed limit 5 mph, from 30 mph to 25 mph. Motorists have apprehensively accepted the shift:…
HELEN NEWMAN- The Cornell Diving team issued a short statement today, announcing the hiring of new assistant coach Margaret Baxter to nobody really. “We’re excited to welcome Margaret Baxter to the Cornell diving family, where her previous expertise will go unnoticed by almost all of the student population,” boasted head diving coach Joe Lucia, who…
ITHACA, NY – According to a report released by MomsRising today, it is officially too late to buy a card and send it home for Mother’s Day. The report goes on to say that even though the post office is open on Sundays, cards still cannot make it in time. Students on campus are shocked…
NORTH CAMPUS—Last month, the latest round of consulting club hopefuls had their dreams crushed by curtly written rejection emails after weeks of coffee chats, interviews, and kissing ass. With the busy life of Cornell’s young financial consultants out of the picture, these rejects have been forced to enjoy their youth instead. Levi Gonzales ‘29, a…
NORTH CAMPUS — Ordering extra balls and stocking the fridges with extra beers, the Helen Newman Bowling Alley is busy preparing for the hundreds of dads visiting over this Parents’ Weekend. “Wax that floor! Clean the deep fryer! Polish those men’s size 11 shoes!” shouted bowling attendant Murphy Howard, making sure the facilities are in…
