HO PLAZA—After repurposing a black satin curtain and a crowbar from the trunk of her ’97 Ford convertible, longtime police chief Kathy Zoner has left the Cornell Police force to take matters into her own hands. Zoner’s intensity has only seemed to increase since her resignation, and many students are still adapting to the crowbar-wielding…
Hey queen! Can we have a little chat, just you and me? I am coming to you as a nameless, faceless concerned individual who is definitely not your best friend because nothing else seems to be getting through to you up to this point. I know the pandemic has been tough on all of us,…
DAY HALL — President David Skorton announced today that Cornell has surpassed its $4.76 billion fundraising goal set in 2006. He then announced plans to “put the money in our savings account in case of a rainy day.” “At this point, it certainly would help maintain our peace of mind if we had $4.76 billion…
SAGE HALL—The highly exclusive business clubs have begun their brutal recruitment process. The infamous coffee chat is their weapon of choice, a formidable game of skill, wits, and mental strength used to prove a prospective member’s worth to the esteemed members of the club. One such meeting was overheard last afternoon. “Me suit better, BIGGER…
Thanksgiving is a day in which friends and family give their thanks for all that they are grateful for. This year, I plan on expressing a huge thank you to God for gifting me with an invaluable asset: a succulent, sizable, stank-ass pussy. When forging me from his flesh, God decided to direct any weight…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — As the semester comes to an end and classes across the campus dive into their final group projects, the Greek Titan Atlas is becoming frequently frustrated with his classmates for not holding up their end of the assignment. “It feels like I’m holding the entire world on my shoulders,” Atlas complained…
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After frantically packing and driving for five hours straight, Sharon Crane ‘18 arrived home for winter break with the leftover anxiety she stored up for finals still buzzing in her head. “I know that I’m done with exams and all of the stress is behind me, but I can’t shake the…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell president David Skorton has announced a new policy change that is likely to affect life on campus. Professors will now be required to offer make-up exams during the first week of the finals period, available to all students, with or without a valid excuse. The move comes after many years of…
BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…
ENGINEERING QUAD – Despite efforts to increase the presence of snow vaginas on college campuses, they continue to be vastly outnumbered by snow penises. The low numbers of female genitalia in snow sculptures has been a consistent national epidemic, especially in fields in front of STEM buildings, but some believe the gender gap should exist….
