ROCHESTER – Derrick Crowley, Class of 2019, is currently attempting to figure out the best way to tell his fellow freshman of that one night of underage drinking during his final year of high school. Crowley believes that his crazy and meticulously practiced story will gain him social credibility and immediately garner friends during O-Week….
ITHACA — A horrendously lost man was seen wandering the streets of downtown Ithaca asking locals how to get to the nearest beach. The man was reportedly on vacation in Ithaca with his wife and two children, adamant about swimming in the ocean. “Hey, can you show me where we can catch some waves?” asked…
RPCC- Senior Jessica Parker got together with her friends from her former Low Rise 6 unit for dinner at Robert Purcell Community Center this past weekend after no longer being able to tolerate her other friends. “It’s great to see these guys. It’s been way too long,” described the nostalgic civil engineer, who over time…
DAY HALL – It was announced earlier today that outgoing President David Skorton will be traveling around Europe following his time at Cornell. As he starts his job as Secretary of the Smithsonian, this trip will mark the last real summer for Skorton before entering the workforce. When asked about his choice, Skorton said his…
DAY HALL- University officials announced this morning an annual fee will be added to tuition in order to address budget shortfalls caused by student protests. “We love that our students participate in the Democratic process by exerting their first amendment rights,” said President David Skorton, “but it is only necessary that the University be compensated…
MORRISON HALL — Administrators in the Department of Animal Science have officially announced that ANSC 3240: Introduction to Hog Wranglin’ will be offered to CALS students as part of the 2015 Fall curriculum. The course will expose undergraduates to the intricacies of a good ol’ fashioned swine tussle while emphasizing the core principles of the…
ITHACA — As Cornell’s Sesquicentennial celebrations come to an end, students, alumni, faculty and more are still in shock that the university was able to survive for the past 150 years. Many among the Cornell community thought this school would have collapsed much sooner, and it is truly a miracle that it was able to…
Find your favorite charter. Attend your 1:25 class. Dress up Ezra and A.D. White’s corpses for the Sesquicentennial Bring A.D. White and Ezra Cornell to the Cornell Dairy Bar and demand three free ice creams. Order the whole menu at CTB and tell them Ezra will take care of it. Take Ezra Cornell to Day…
EARTH — Mother Earth, goddess and protector of our fair planet, is reportedly irate due to the fact that you didn’t to call her for Earth Day. This marks the third year in a row you forgot about the holiday celebrating the environment, and at this point it just seems like you don’t care at…
NORTH CAMPUS — After achieving successful enrollment in every single one of his ideal courses for Fall 2015, Tomas DiSalvo ‘18 realized with extreme anguish that he would not be allowed entry into the exclusive Pre-Enroll Pity Party. “Of course I was thrilled that all of the classes I wanted to take were open, but…
