DAY HALL — Cornell announced early Monday morning that yesterday would be the last Sunday for the academic year. “We conducted a large-scale study of how students worked during the course of a week and we discovered that Sunday was the leader in a number of concerning categories,” said April May, the chair of Cornell’s…
NEW YORK – Citing safety concerns, the Cornell and Columbia football teams agreed to play Saturday’s Empire State Bowl using two-hand touch rules in lieu of the standard tackling. The match-up had all the makings of an afternoon schoolyard pickup game, and players from both teams discussed and settled on two-hand touch in order to…
COLLEGETOWN– According to sources, senior Colin Atkins urinated himself after a night of excessive drinking late Saturday night, and would be considered a fully-grown adult with the corresponding responsibilities in many cultures. The inebriated student reportedly “shotgunned like eight or ten beers with his bros” and, if he lived in many second or third world…
Daniel Stone, a freshman planning to major in economics, reportedly missed his opportunity to enroll in Introductory Microeconomics for the Spring 2015 semester during freshman course enroll. As a result, Stone’s faculty advisor has informed him that he will never be able to earn his undergraduate degree. “I don’t understand how it happened,” said the…
NATICK, MASSACHUSETTS – Cornell students and administrators were excited to learn this weekend that the university had once again reclaimed its coveted title of “Biggest Red.” The highly anticipated ranking published annually by the Princeton Review seeks to highlight those colleges which truly encompass that which is big and red, and Cornellians across campus are…
EAST AVENUE – A huge traffic jam developed yesterday after four freshmen began to walk side by side down the side walk, eventually resulting in a dramatic collision of several pedestrians and a cyclist. “It was carnage,” one bystander reported, “the entire street slowed down, and the next thing I knew there were bodies everywhere.”…
URIS HALL — Over 24 confused alumni rallied together Sunday night for an anti-war demonstration in light of the U.S. government’s involvement in Vietnam. “Our classmates did not die face down in the mud just for us to give up the protest,” retorted dissident Brendan Arendt ‘74 while burning his draft card. “We can’t give…
COLLEGETOWN – Saying that they did not want to seem intrusive, onlookers gave brief pause when a drunk Sarah Campbell stumbled and fell late last Saturday night. “She looks fine,” said junior Lawrence Farmer. “I think it would be inappropriate for me to see if she’s okay. Like, it’s already embarrassing enough for her. I’d…
BAUER — Sources are indicating that Jacob Lifflander ’18 spent a considerable amount of time and money this weekend convincing his parents that he has been drinking and partying often while away at college. “I don’t want them to think their tuition money is going to waste,” explained the studious biology major while removing his latest…
COLLEGETOWN- Sources are reporting that the Tompkins County SPCA rescued a stray girl sporting a sexy kitten costume this Friday night. “We found Mittens shivering in a sideways box labeled ‘FREE,’ taking shelter from the rain,” said Jim Bouderau, executive director of the Tompkins County SPCA, while refilling the girl’s saucer of milk. “She was…
