OLIN HALL—In response to backlash from tightened credit limitations for engineering students, university administrators have doubled down on limiting engineering students, this time by making sure they’re nice and cozy in bed just after sunset. “After we made them give up their schedules, some engineering students threw temper tantrums,” said Engineering professor Alexander Shome ‘92….
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD— Due to some technical difficulties within the lighting department, the University’s annual homecoming weekend celebrations were kicked off with a 30 minute display of a Windows screen saver. “I stepped away from my computer to grab a hot dog for what I thought would be no more than five minutes,” said laser show…
ROCKVILLE CENTRE, NY- Rising Junior Gabriela Ramos has entered a state of panic caused by her inability to reasonably justify the fact that she knows nothing about the current tense state of affairs in the Middle-Eastern country of Iraq. “During the academic year, I can usually brush off things like this by saying I’m too…
After a stressful and tense week at Ithaca town hall, the Mayoral staff was relieved to find Svante Myrick after his disappearance one week ago. “We figured he just got lost. He does that sometimes, but he usually comes back after a few days.” explained Myrick’s chief of staff Alex Ellers. Ellers continued “One time…
ITHACA, NY-A bipartisan compromise was reached in the House of Representatives for the national budget, leaving millions of Americans in shock and disbelief. However, the Cornell Democrats and Republicans are also reaching across party lines to dispel any rumors of agreement in the House. “I can tell you this, they did not agree on anything,”…
ITHACA- In a surprise announcement Thursday, Slope Day Programming Board named the McGraw Tower Chimes as the headliner for this year’s concert. “I love the Chimes. I listen to them all the time. I hope they play Here Comes the Sun,” said sophomore Amanda Augustin, who conceded that she would be happy if she could…
WILLARD STRAIGHT — Following invitations to ‘Celebrate our next female president,’ the Cornell Democrats’ welcome party for Cornell’s newly announced 14th president Martha E. Pollack seems planned with someone else clearly in mind. “A lifelong fighter for children and families, from her time at Wellesley College in the 1960s to her recent term as Secretary…
GOLDWIN SMITH—During a spontaneous father-son tour of campus, one student found himself in the center of a parental rivalry between the man who begrudgingly raised him and the academic father figure who occasionally winks at him in the hallway. “I was just showing my father around the Temple of Zeus, and it was going pretty…
Yeah, so, I guess I’m just a little bit confused. From my research, I was led to believe that there would be more to this whole “hockey” thing, but it was no more than just men hitting a puck around with sticks. You see, I watched the entire Cornell versus Harvard hockey game, and none…
HO PLAZA—Notoriously poor socialite Pete Klein ‘23 found himself fumbling for the right words after bumping into his friend’s friend while walking across campus. Though Klein had met the fellow student on numerous occasions, and could vividly picture each moment of their multiple introductions, he found himself entirely unable to remember their name. In a…
