LINDEN STREET—While Saint Patrick’s Day festivities are beloved by students with excessively bright green shirts and the Irish alike, for kleptomaniac and short king Barry Finnegan ‘25, it presents an opportunity like no other: a large mob of drunk darty-ers. Dressed as a leprechaun, the young Irish student spends the holiday shambling in a sewer…
EAST AVE — PETA-affiliated student organizations called for a demonstration against the annual campus-wide Dragon Day parade, citing the mistreatment and exploitation of innocent dragons that violates basic animal rights laws. “The Archies keep this beautiful creature cooped up for months in the basement of Rand Hall, an enclosure that is far too small for…
MEWS– Freshman Geoffrey Dorman is excited to take part in many college social activities but is reported to have said that he will try pot “just this once.” “I’m not going to make it a habit,” said Dorman of the drug he will eventually smoke twice daily and spend hundreds of dollars a week on….
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— After listening attentively to junior Kate Hill’s plea for help with her failing search for summer internships, Career Service Counselor Darrell Lange opened a new window on his browser and Googled “Available internships in NYC.” “Let’s see what we have here that might be useful to you,” said Lange, carefully squinting at…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In celebration of his 100th birthday, Willard Straight Hall ‘25 announced his candidacy for Congress last Monday, stirring confusion across campus. Students, under the impression that buildings and politicians could not feel or think, flocked to a press conference the following day to witness the giant structure speak. “There comes a time in…
COOL INSURING ARENA- At the most anticipated athletic event of the year, one furry friend failed to live up to expectation. Despite his status as ”Pick of the litter,” the forty pound Wide Retriever, Fido appeared to crumble under the pressure. His fluffy, adorable exterior quickly melted away when it became clear that his football…
CITY HALL – This morning, during a brief conference with the local press, Ithaca officials revealed that Svante Myrick has started noticing changes in his body, voice, and temperament which, they stressed, are entirely natural and normal for someone his age. Myrick, one of the youngest mayors in US history, seemed concerned yet optimistic at…
BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to make up for it. We’re…
HO PLAZA—Cornell administrators announced Wednesday morning that the university will be renewing Cornell Health’s premium subscription to WebMD for next year. The online, publicly available health reference service has been the staff’s primary diagnostic tool for many years, according to university officials. “Well, we can’t exactly ask the licensed staff members to know every single…
STATLER HALL—After receiving their acceptance letters to one of the most prestigious lunch venues on campus, the proud new members of the Cornell University Class of 2021 have officially committed to joining the salad line at the Terrace restaurant. “I was so nervous I wouldn’t get in, but it’s such a relief and a great…
