BAUER — Sources are indicating that Jacob Lifflander ’18 spent a considerable amount of time and money this weekend convincing his parents that he has been drinking and partying often while away at college. “I don’t want them to think their tuition money is going to waste,” explained the studious biology major while removing his latest…
COLLEGETOWN- Sources are reporting that the Tompkins County SPCA rescued a stray girl sporting a sexy kitten costume this Friday night. “We found Mittens shivering in a sideways box labeled ‘FREE,’ taking shelter from the rain,” said Jim Bouderau, executive director of the Tompkins County SPCA, while refilling the girl’s saucer of milk. “She was…
MCGRAW TOWER — The Cornell community was taken by surprise this morning to find that some lighthearted prankster managed to place a severed head on the top of Cornell’s iconic McGraw Clock Tower. “That head really spooked us for a moment there, but we know it’s all in good fun!” said CUPD chief Kathy Zoner on…
ITHACA TOWN HALL — Early this morning, Ithaca mayor Svante Myrick announced that he would be canceling all of his scheduled meetings in favor of sewing the finishing touches onto his halloween costume with his mom. “I’m gonna be a race car driver!” said an excited Myrick as he and his mother gathered up a…
URIS HALL— According to a recent study conducted by the Cornell Psychology Department, if you’re not good at something the first time you try it, you will always be terrible at it and should give up. “We examined people performing a wide range of activities for the first time, from knitting to surfing and playing…
MILSTEIN HALL- In a statement released last Tuesday, the Architecture and History departments announced that they are coming together to offer a new class this spring titled “History of Campus Construction.” “We wanted to offer a class that was unique to Cornell, and we felt that this class truly exemplifies the mission of our slowly…
ITHACA, NY — Witnesses report hearing Mac Davis, a Freshman who will eat nothing but cold hot dogs in two years’ time, complain about the quality of food at the Appel Dining Hall. “Everything’s just so boring,” Davis said, “They have the same dishes, like, every week. Blah.” Davis resigned himself to making a “totally…
SKYBRIDGE: Residents of Court, Kay, Bauer, and Mews Halls announced this morning plans for a charity carwash to raise money for residents of the High and Low Rise residence halls. “We are all Cornellians. To see members of our family suffering in the slums of North Campus is heartbreaking. Now it’s our time to show…
DAY HALL- Many are speculating that the three high-level administrators (President David Skorton, Vice President for Student and Academic Services Susan Murphy, and Provost Kent Fuchs) that have announced that they are leaving the University this year probably know a deep, dark secret about the future of Cornell that the rest of us don’t. “This…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE — According to residents of Flora Rose House, sophomore Allison Galder took a quick break from watching Netflix to study. “She had been lying on her bed watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ nonstop for 4 hours,” reported Galder’s roommate, “It was great to see her take a break and unwind a little bit by…
