ITHACA, NY – In a recent press release, the Cornell Fitness department announced that all incoming freshman would be required to pass a synchronized swimming test as an added graduation requirement. The test will include a solo, trio and combo segment (consisting of eight to ten swimmers), and students will be judged on their grace,…
ITHACA, NY – Last night, four residents of Donlon Hall received a JA due to their participation in some good old-fashioned fun. At 11:30 PM, the student’s residential advisor heard what sounded like a shindig, rumpus, or a jamboree coming from down the hall, and immediately contacted the CUPD. Police records confirm that upon arriving…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell freshman Arnold Gimmelstein spent most of Wednesday, March 5 utterly confused. The freshman bio major, who woke believing Wednesday to be an ordinary day, was surprised when he saw hundreds of students with black marks on their foreheads. Sources say that Gimmelstein asked most of his friends what the reason was,…
ITHACA, NY – Various sources from the Engineering Quad have noted that Jared Wasserman, a sophomore computer science major with a 1.7 GPA, prefers group projects over any other type of class evaluation, yet can’t put his finger on precisely why. “You know, I just am not sure what it is. It might be the flexibility…
According to Brad Holder, the head of New Member Recruitment within the national office of Phi Sigma Sigma, Caroline Fisher ‘16 actually did receive the “best little ever,” like ever. CU Nooz spoke to Holder about the little in question, Sophie Goodman ‘17. “While most of the little facebook names are often slight exaggerations, the…
Over the weekend university officials in the Undergraduate Admissions Office and the Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives revealed their new method of admitting students to create a class that is “100% diverse”. The new admissions scheme, starting with the Class of 2018, aims to make the incoming student body exactly mirror the racial, geographic, and economic…
ITHACA, NY – University health officials have reportedly expressed concern over a new trend known as “binge-watching.” “We’ve noticed a troubling rise in high television intake going on recently at the university,” said Gannett Executive Director and Performing and Media Arts Professor Ellen Phelps. “This kind of behavior can lead to all kinds of physical…
ITHACA- The Cornell University Career Services office reported Wednesday that as of 12:51 p.m., all undergraduate freshmen, sophomores, and juniors except you had accepted offers for internships for the upcoming summer. “We are so proud of almost all of our students this year. They have put a tremendous amount of effort into their job searches…
ITHACA, NY – With the Cornell-mandated fraternity initiation deadline fast approaching, university liaison Travis Apgar announced that associate members would now be entering the unofficial “Don’t You Fucking Tell Anyone” period of the pledging process. “It feels good to leave behind our antiquated system of spending 8 weeks openly combating hazing so that we can…
ITHACA, NY – Ithaca’s new sidewalk-salting campaign has been a large scale attempt to combat the bland flavor of the city’s paths and walkways. Complaints started rolling in to the town council in early 2011 that Ithaca sidewalks were fairly tasteless, and that most residents felt some sort of seasoning was necessary to enhance the…
