CU Nooz – Page 159

OP-ED: It’s Okay to Not Pay Outdoor Education Workers Because They’re So Good at Foraging for What They Need (by President Martha Pollack)

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago04 mins

As the 14th president of Cornell University, one of my foremost responsibilities is to ensure the well-being of our many employees. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides in improving working conditions and ensuring harmonious labor relations. From generously raising the pay of grad student workers to confirming a previous positive assessment of…

Student Receives Journal and Therapy, Stops Writing for Daily Sun Opinion Section

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

THE CORNELL STORE—After a few days of privately journaling, Meyer Cliffson ‘27 decided that his biweekly contributions to the Opinion column in the Cornell Daily Sun were no longer necessary to subside his moral insecurities. This unexpected choice was made following his first therapy consultation, in which the therapist immediately provided Cliffson with an extensive…

Men’s Hockey Moves Up in Rankings as Women’s Team Trains More Future Olympians

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

LYNAH RINK—Following the Men’s Hockey team’s invigorating win against Harvard last week, the team is now ranked #6 in the NCAA, while the #7 Women’s Hockey team trains players who may move on to the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. “It was a great game last week, right?” said Men’s Hockey player Dave Molowski ‘18. “Hearing…

Total Fucking Disappointment: Dragon Day Dragon Not as Hot as One from Shrek

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago02 mins

MILSTEIN HALL—Students across campus are in revolt after the Archies’ latest creation was revealed to be a complete fucking nottie compared to the babe from Shrek (2001). ‘Nobody can compete with the dragon from Shrek. Nobody,” said self-described “normal guy” Kevin Lancaster ‘25, completely unprompted. “I mean, those scales can’t stop me from squeezing her…

Report: Cornell’s Qatar Campus Built With 50% Less Slave Labor Than Rest of Country

Nooz Staff4 years ago9 months ago03 mins

ITHACA, NY and EDUCATION CITY, QATAR—Amid controversies surrounding the 2022 World Cup, Cornell University President Martha Pollack defended the university’s Weill Cornell Medicine-Qatar satellite campus. Hailing the Gulf state as “the world’s most progressive petro-monarchy,” Pollack appealed to Cornell’s values. “In the words of our founder, we will always strive to do the greatest good….

Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. “It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst…

Relative Lack of Student Assembly Bullshittery Raises Concerns

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester. “I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30…

Professor Edges Naughty Class by Not Releasing Practice Prelim Until 24 Hours Before the Exam

Nooz Staff5 years ago02 mins

MALOTT HALL一Students in MUSIC 2212: History of Classical Composition were left panting in anticipation after Dr. Gregory Schreier announced that he would not release the practice prelim until the day before the exam as punishment for being very, very naughty. “In my class, if you want the practice exam, you have to earn it,” said…

U.S. Congressman Comforted to Learn Not Even TikTok Can Connect to Campus Wifi

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

BARTELS HALL—After an embarrassing hearing on Capitol Hill failed to provide satisfactory answers, an internal government review found that no social media apps could ever possibly interact with Cornell’s wireless network. “I have to say I was concerned TikTok could somehow access Cornell’s Wi-Fi and gain access to the research we conduct on that campus,”…

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OP-ED: I Need Universal Pass Because My Step-Sister Keeps Getting Stuck in the Dryer and Needs My Help

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

Like many of my peers, I am calling on Cornell to adopt a Universal Pass system. This is the only feasible way to reduce the pressure to complete my schoolwork and allow me time to focus on the unique issues facing my family during this global crisis; mainly the fact that my just-turned-eighteen step-sis keeps…

Recent Graduates Wondering Who Will Take Initiative to Clean House

Prefrosh Prepares Story of High School Drinking to Impress New Friends

BREAKING: Ezra Cornell Finally Proposes to A.D. White

Middle Schooler Having More Fulfilling Summer Than You

Teary-Eyed Skorton Wistfully Packs Up Administrators

Cornell Daily Sun Posts Summer Article in Desperate Plea for Attention

OP-ED: It’s Okay to Not Pay Outdoor Education Workers Because They’re So Good at Foraging for What They Need (by President Martha Pollack)

Student Receives Journal and Therapy, Stops Writing for Daily Sun Opinion Section

Men’s Hockey Moves Up in Rankings as Women’s Team Trains More Future Olympians

Total Fucking Disappointment: Dragon Day Dragon Not as Hot as One from Shrek

Report: Cornell’s Qatar Campus Built With 50% Less Slave Labor Than Rest of Country

Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

Relative Lack of Student Assembly Bullshittery Raises Concerns

Professor Edges Naughty Class by Not Releasing Practice Prelim Until 24 Hours Before the Exam

U.S. Congressman Comforted to Learn Not Even TikTok Can Connect to Campus Wifi

OP-ED: I Need Universal Pass Because My Step-Sister Keeps Getting Stuck in the Dryer and Needs My Help