ITHACA, NY — According to a new study at Cornell University, four out of five researchers would have preferred to go to Goldie’s for lunch. Steven Pratchett was the only one in the lab who wanted to go to Temple of Zeus. Citing Goldie’s closer location, delicious sandwiches, and its atmosphere, all the other scientists…
EAST AVENUE – A huge traffic jam developed yesterday after four freshmen began to walk side by side down the side walk, eventually resulting in a dramatic collision of several pedestrians and a cyclist. “It was carnage,” one bystander reported, “the entire street slowed down, and the next thing I knew there were bodies everywhere.”…
From the desk of the Registrar It’s almost that time of year again, isn’t it? Time for students to go on Spring Break and see all their friends from high school. Well, you see, I didn’t have friends in high school. I had nobody back home, and you know what? If I couldn’t see my…
ITHACA- Instead of partaking in the usual brunch with estranged family and friends, Cornell students decided to take a different approach to celebrating Mother’s Day. As a vast majority of students are away from home and their mothers, they took it upon themselves to celebrate the special occasion as any good children would. And today,…
Just yesterday, my professor encouraged us to ask questions and not to feel embarrassed if we didn’t understand something. Yet when I asked later in lecture whether women are, in fact, people, she totally flew off the handle! I was dumbfounded. She completely flipped out, and it was RIGHT after she said there’s no such…
DUFFIELD HALL—Following the high attendance and excitement at this past weekend’s Mock Shaadi, a fake wedding ceremony that incorporated elements from various South Asian cultures, the Cornell South Asian Council (SAC) plans on following the natural course of events in a marriage by hosting a mock altercation in which parents yell horrible things at each…
DAY HALL—Mere hours after it was reported the Trump Administration aims to freeze $1 billion of Cornell’s federal funding, a Go-Fund Me page was created with quite the lofty objective of the exact same amount. “Trump may have unchecked political power and a cult-like supporter base, but we have this snazzy lil’ link that is…
WEST CAMPUS—After feeling ill at ease for close to a week, area student Maya Yuan ‘23 realized with a start that the unfamiliar emotions she was experiencing may be attributable to hope. “Things have been weird lately,” said Yuan, her eyes darting restlessly around the room. “The weather is getting nicer, all my friends and…
RPCC PARKING LOT—Reports indicate that west-facing residents of High Rise 5 awoke to what was supposed to be a choir’s serenade at approximately 1:57am Wednesday night. Many students sleepily stumbled towards their windows to witness a local A Capella group set up microphones and a speaker to inform prospective members of their application status. Bystanders…
