WASHINGTON, D.C.—Feeling lonely and forgotten after learning that former Vice President Joe Biden was chosen as this year’s convocation speaker, former Vice President Dick Cheney sighed quietly to himself, “I guess maybe next year.” “Every graduation cycle, I get my hopes up that Cornell will pick an old conservative like me for commencement. I’m sure…
COLLEGETOWN—At a Chi Alpha Tau party on College Avenue this Saturday night, sophomore Jordan Felane raised concerns by pairing his impressively detailed cat costume with a disconcerting enthusiasm for the canonical lore of Erin Hunter’s seminal cat-war novel series Warriors. “I wouldn’t expect Twolegs to understand, but you might have a chance,” Felane explained to…
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen pizza from the comfort of…
CAYUGA LAKE WATERSHED — Every Spring, thousands of salmon shorts (salmo braccae) travel hundreds of miles upstream to mate and lay their eggs. Hundreds of miles from the Northeast Coast where the shorts start their journey, Ithaca is home to one of the largest displays of pink pants traveling to their natural spawning grounds. “These…
AG QUAD – College of Agriculture and Life Sciences Dean Kathryn J. Boor held a ceremony marking the opening of the Tyson Foods Slaughterhouse in the center of the Agriculture Quad. “Much like the Physics Department’s use of the Synchrotron or the Hotel School’s use of the Statler, we want to offer our students the…
ITHACA COMMONS — After several days of internal probing, the Cornell Daily Sun has conclusively determined that a pool of liquid water exists on their servers currently facing technical difficulties. “This is a truly exciting new discovery,” said Peyton Schwarz ’16 systems manager for the top-ranked collegiate news source in America. “We will now be…
It is often said that success at Cornell is nothing short of a heroic feat. It takes brave, strong, and savvy students—truly exceptional students, not the ones who merely think they have those qualities and join ROTC—to navigate the university’s harrowing challenges. This semester, I have confronted the school’s mythical academic rigor head-on as I…
LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed. “There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.” The early grad added that with four years of…
ITHACA- Over the course of the summer, Cornell Information Technologies has sent out a series of emails explaining the retirement of the campus Wi-Fi network RedRover Secure and encouraging users to switch to EduFoam, a liquid-foam spray that provides connection to the internet when applied directly to a laptop, tablet, or mobile device. “We think…
BARTHELONA—Despite the full week of school remaining before Fall Break begins, one wealthy student has decided to take some early relaxation after a hard-fought prelim season. “My Wines class has just been so stressful recently,” said trust fund child Jamenald Worcestershire ‘23. “I don’t know what else I should do. I just haaad to get…
