student with textbook

“All class materials are included in CAMP,” Says Professor About to Make You Pay $75 for Their Textbook “Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities”

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Professor James was happy to announce in his class on Friday that “all class materials are included in CAMP.” He was, of course, mere moments away from making each and every student pay $75 for his textbook, Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities. His new book, which fills a critical…

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Paris Climate Conference Concludes Ice Cream Melting at a Faster Rate than Previously Thought

RPCC DINING HALL – The world’s leading climate scientists confirmed that the scoop of French vanilla ice cream Jordan Chaplain ’19 placed on top of his waffle has shown signs of premature deglaciation, at a rate much faster than experts previously surmised, as concluded at climate talks in Paris this past week. “What we’re seeing…

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Guy Working in Department of Job Stability and Secure Income Starting to Get a Bit Worried

WASHINGTON D.C.—The actions of the Trump administration have left many federal workers confused and anxious about their futures. With previously indispensable positions being eliminated left and right, even those in seemingly stable fields have started to worry. For the first time, Andy Galeano of the Department of Job Stability and Secure Income has started to…

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Professor Bans Graphing Calculators During Prelims, Says Nothing About Rotisserie Chicken

ROCKEFELLER HALL – In an attempt to prevent his students from cheating, Physics Professor Karl Nussbaum has banned the use of advanced calculators on his exams, although he surprisingly has said nothing about the use of rotisserie chicken. “When Professor Nussbaum said that graphing calculators were not allowed, everyone in the lecture hall looked at…

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Administration Releases Evidence that Qatar Workers Are “Yeah – What? Oh No Yeah They’re Fine.”

DAY HALL — After being pressed on investigations of poor working conditions of personnel at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, the administration revealed that workers at the Doha facility are “Yeah – what? Oh no yeah they’re fine.” Student activist groups’ continued call for an external infrastructure to prevent the discharge and deportation of migrant…

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Student at Palantir Event Offended By Implication They Support Palantir

DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…

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