MORRILL HALL—In the wake of research showing Cornell’s endowment was derived from government gifts of stolen Native land, campus administration has made Cornell the world’s first university to deliver a land acknowledgement before completing purchases of stolen Native land from the federal government.“We Cornellians take pride in our status as a land-grant university,” stated Vice…
BINGHAMTON, NY—Over the long weekend, students undertook cultural festivities of great fortune to ring in the Year of the Horse. With Asia out of reach, Cornellians turned to the next best option to celebrate: Binghamton. “The chicken spiedies wrapped in ‘bing’ pancake really evoke the taste of China,” remarked Lucas Campbell ‘28 who is completing…
Seeking to fill a void in science requirements, the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences is now offering a class on plants. The class was created after several complaints concerning the difficulty of current science requirements. Classes like Bugs and Rocks were apparently “too difficult for most of the Communication and AEM majors taking them”…
MALOTT HALL—During the first class period Monday, Professor Robert Tolkan informed MATH 2940 students that he will not warn them before discussing any mathematical concept covered in the course. “Consider this your trigger warning,” said Tolkan as he strutted up and down the aisles of the lecture hall, attempting to look at each student in…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–An ordinary Monday morning lecture experienced an extremely welcome interruption when a once-considered eradicated disease reappeared right in Kennedy Hall. Harry Swanson ’27 (god willing) was spotted sporting a feverish glow as well as dozens of blood-and-puss-filled scabs blanketing every inch of his body. “COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK HACK,” said Swanson,…
ITHACA, NY – Ithaca’s new sidewalk-salting campaign has been a large scale attempt to combat the bland flavor of the city’s paths and walkways. Complaints started rolling in to the town council in early 2011 that Ithaca sidewalks were fairly tasteless, and that most residents felt some sort of seasoning was necessary to enhance the…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Not even ten minutes into a two-and-a-half hour class, students in GOVT 4250: American Political Institutions report that Professor Jeremy Gilmore is already starting to get all worked up about the lecture material. Students braced for the inevitable crush of boredom as Professor Gilmore ascended his soapbox and began preaching about something to…
ITHACA, NY – As Cornell was brought in for its seasonal checkup, it was revealed that its Spring has broken, and may be beyond repair. Upon receiving the news that Spring was in fact irreversibly broken, Cornell president David Skorton told reporters “I’ve been bringing Cornell in for its inspection every year for the past…
Where is Warren Hall? What is Warren Hall? Why would I, a second semester senior in the prestigious College of Industrial and Labor Relations at Cornell University, an Ivy League university of the highest caliber (higher, even, than the frauds at Columbia), know where such a trivial, such an irrelevant, such a ridiculous building be…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – In an effort to find activities for Cornellians that may not be partaking in the upcoming Slope Day celebration, Denice Cassaro recently sent out an email offering to host a Cornell backgammon tournament on May 12th, a proposal that is expected to catch the eye of both students not planning on…
