Denice Cassaro Sends 4,000 Word Drunken Rant To Students

Student’s were shocked to find a 4,000-word, multi-colored rant in their mailboxes Monday morning. The email, sent around 4:00am, was written by Denice Cassaro, Cornell’s ‎Associate Director for Student Leadership, Engagement and Campus Activities. Cassaro is most well known for sending weekly emails to freshman listing campus and community activities. Although CU Nooz was not…

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Athletic Department Changes Mascot to Pack of Gum

ITHACA, NY – After a close vote of 5-4, the Cornell Athletic Department adopted a resolution changing the University’s official mascot to “Wrigley’s Big Red,” a popular cinnamon-flavored chewing gum. “We thought it would make sense, you know,” said Cornell Athletic Department chairwoman Betty Stevenson, “I mean, why should the University have, like, a bear…

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Ezrahub Endorsed as Cornell’s most Reputable News Source

The Princeton review collegiate newspaper rankings recently redacted their placement of the Cornell Daily Sun as the number one collegiate news publication, instead replacing it with the critically acclaimed site ezrahub.com. Princeton review chairman William Tukling explained to CU Nooz, “We reviewed our numbers, and realized no one actually reads the Sun. Meanwhile, thousands of students…

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