WILLARD STRAIGHT THE HALL — Chance the Rapper will perform at this year’s Slope Day concert, announced Slope Day Programming Board the Committee, along with Magic! the Reggae Fusion Band as the opening act. The decision has been generally well-received by students of Cornell the University, who will attend Slope Day on May 7, 2015…
WEST CAMPUS—The McGraw Hall renovations this semester have forcibly relocated much of the History Department. One faculty member, Professor Williams, has responded to the relocation by taking up temporary residence at a nearby fraternity house on West Campus. Several months since the move, Williams seems to have assimilated into the fraternity’s culture: participating in traditions,…
DONLON HALL – After questioning numerous people and going through all plausible culprits in his head, Donlon resident Greg Parker ’19 claimed he was still clueless as to who could have left the clump of hair he found in the shower on the third floor. “Nobody on this floor has long blond hair, and yet…
WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class. “The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from all the pokers, chains and…
COLLEGETOWN – Frustrated by the occupancy turnover rate at his Collegetown property, local landlord Henry Maier is now requiring a minimum five-year lease for all incoming renters. “At first I couldn’t figure out why tenants were so eager to move out,” Maier said of students living in his seven Collegetown properties. “Then I realized, they…
ITHACA- All members of the Cornell University community went about their usual routines this past Saturday through Tuesday, completely unaware of the February Break scheduled into the academic calendar for those days. Cornellians lost out on a chance to do fun things instead of their usual, monotonously intolerable, stressful schedules. “It’s been a pretty standard…
DAY HALL — Following the Cornell Board of Trustees vote to increase tuition by 3.75%, a team of financial wellness scientists released a report detailing how, if tuition levels continue to grow at the current rate, Cornell’s campus will be unable to support students in just seven years. “While a higher tuition will help fund…
GATES HALL — After an increasing number of students confused by the process of unsubscribing to an e-list, the Department of Computer Science faculty have announced plans to offer CS 0900: Leaving Listservs in the Digital Age. “More and more students of the Cornell community are beginning to realize that part of having a fulfilling…
WASHINGTON D.C.—In an official statement from the White House this past Sunday, President Donald Trump completely denounced the consumption of pork, claiming he will “never eat a smidge of delicious, juicy, er–I mean DISGUSTING pork again.” This puzzling move has been viewed by many as a publicity stunt, specifically for the purpose of impressing NYC…
EAST AVENUE – A huge traffic jam developed yesterday after four freshmen began to walk side by side down the side walk, eventually resulting in a dramatic collision of several pedestrians and a cyclist. “It was carnage,” one bystander reported, “the entire street slowed down, and the next thing I knew there were bodies everywhere.”…
