GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—With ClubFest around the corner, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have already begun the frantic race to recruit the newest crop of bright, eager young minds. Veteran students know that this is a marathon, not a sprint; lengthy application processes reward only the most determined, tenacious, and desperate candidates. Alpha Zeta Delta Pre-Business Fraternity has…
This April 20th, people everywhere are discussing the future of marijuana legalization. I myself am a firm supporter of the cause and I raise my fist in defiance of…uh…of…hey man, have you seen my hands? Like, oh my god, dude. Look at my hands. Look at my fucking hands. They’re so, like, complex. Shit, where…
NEW YORK – Citing safety concerns, the Cornell and Columbia football teams agreed to play Saturday’s Empire State Bowl using two-hand touch rules in lieu of the standard tackling. The match-up had all the makings of an afternoon schoolyard pickup game, and players from both teams discussed and settled on two-hand touch in order to…
KENNEDY HALL— After handing back her first set of prelims this semester, Linguistics Professor Margret Coleman took the opportunity to remind the class she was committed to helping every student in the class succeed, so long as they aren’t stupid. “I noticed some of you had trouble with certain key concepts on this exam. If…
TEMPLE OF ZEUS—’Twas a day most ordinary in the most extravagant food shoppe in Ithaca: Doth Great Temple of Zeus. For Junior Owen Sowerberry ’25, the price to feed a troublesome caffeine addiction was damn near impossible. Upon the realization that he had spent his last pittance to wash his ragged work clothes, Sowerberry realized…
DAY HALL—While meeting with advisors to discuss tuition payments, Lynn Talbot ‘24 was startled to discover that her financial aid, now nearly a month and a half overdue, would be postponed further due to the office being staffed by literal cats swiping at the “postpone aid award” button all day every day. “I thought there…
TOMPKINS COUNTY, NY — After approving the grades that would lead 58 students to tears and 17 to change their majors, asshole math professor Nancy Druckman began piping royal icing between walls of delectable cookies to assemble her adorable holiday gingerbread house. Professor Druckman, commonly referred to as “the devil in flesh”, constructed baby Jesus…
OLIN LIBRARY — Those people tossing around a frisbee on the arts quad are probably having a lot of fun, even though I have to stay in the library. I’m going to look back down at my work now. Oh look they’re eating something. Are those chocolate chip cookies? Probably. But it’s too bad I…
NORTH CAMPUS – A somber mood has struck the Cornell campus today as student IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet has been reported as missing. Local authorities have been asking members of the surrounding community if they’ve seen Ms. Whosthebestlittleontheplanet, who was last seen on Facebook two days ago but has never been seen in person. Based on her…
DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app. “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using the Reef Polling app. Not…
