CU Nooz – Page 172

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention….

Student Filibusters Entire Lecture After Realizing Participation Worth 30% of Final Grade

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

WARREN HALL—In a last ditch effort to save her abysmal participation grade, Isabel Miranda ‘22 spent all 75 minutes of her final AEM Statistics lecture asking a single question. “You know, I just did the math,” Miranda explained after class. “Most people contribute, what? Once a class? Maybe? Taking up every minute of class asking…

Senior President of Club Really Phoning It in at This Point

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN—According to underclassmen members of the Cornell Water Polo team, president Brian Mach ’21 has “totally checked the fuck out” and is in “major ghost mode” as he approaches graduation and the end of his four long years at Cornell. Members began to complain to each other following a practice wherein Mach led drills while…

Student Who Used Up All Absences in Sailing PE Forced to Walk the Plank

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

Serial class skipper and salty dog Isaiah Freeman ‘25 was shocked to discover this Friday that their punishment for using up all their absences in PE 1350: Introductory Sailing was an eternity in Davy Jones’s locker. “At first I thought this was some kind of joke, but then he started talking about how he ‘doesn’t…

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“Your Caviar, Sir,” Says Tuxedo-Clad Waiter to Couple on 3rd Anniversary Date at 7-Eleven Indoor Dining

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

7-ELEVEN—’Twas a beautiful and romantic evening for Ithaca’s it-couple Albert Grant Wellington III ‘22 and Eleanor Theodora Johnson ‘22. While the commoners of Collegetown partook in fraternity soirees and other low class activities, these members of the Finger Lakes region’s high society spent their evening enjoying a fine dining experience like none other at 7-Eleven…

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Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone. “It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s…

Denice Cassaro to Host Backgammon Tournament for Both Students Not Attending Slope Day

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – In an effort to find activities for Cornellians that may not be partaking in the upcoming Slope Day celebration, Denice Cassaro recently sent out an email offering to host a Cornell backgammon tournament on May 12th, a proposal that is expected to catch the eye of both students not planning on…

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Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago03 mins

DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty. University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses…

Archie Shaves Head to Cope with Tournament Loss

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

RAND HALL—After her third all-nighter this week and upon learning that her major lost to Chemical Engineering in the Major Cornell Major Tournament, Sharon Yang, Architecture ‘20, let out a primal scream, impulsively grabbed the nearest pair of scissors, and cut off her right braid. “Dragon dragon dragon! Oy oy OY!” Yang shouted to no…

And How Urgent Is This Issue?” Says Landlord After Microwave Begins Leaking Sewage

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago02 mins

STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave. “It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned…

Weather Conditions Perfect for Making FWOOMP Sound Effect Before Busting Your Ass on Icy Sidewalk

Sororities to Transform Potential New Members Into Mystical Fairy Creatures

Report: My Mom Really Worried About Recent Ithaca Armed Robberies

Dad Seems to Think He and Your Roommate are “Good Pals”

Physics Professor Just Two Twelve-Year-Olds in Long Trench Coat

Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Student Filibusters Entire Lecture After Realizing Participation Worth 30% of Final Grade

Senior President of Club Really Phoning It in at This Point

Student Who Used Up All Absences in Sailing PE Forced to Walk the Plank

“Your Caviar, Sir,” Says Tuxedo-Clad Waiter to Couple on 3rd Anniversary Date at 7-Eleven Indoor Dining

Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

Denice Cassaro to Host Backgammon Tournament for Both Students Not Attending Slope Day

Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

Archie Shaves Head to Cope with Tournament Loss

And How Urgent Is This Issue?” Says Landlord After Microwave Begins Leaking Sewage