NEW YORK CITY–Last Monday, Shelby Lawrence ‘21 began her first day at her entry-level job as a Coffee Gofer at Morgan Stanley and was met with an unwelcome surprise: without having completed Cornell’s mandatory swim test due to COVID-19 cancellations, she was completely in over her head! “At first I thought it was the two…
ITHACA – In response to faltering WiFi signals throughout campus, especially in high-traffic locations like Trillium and Statler, Cornell University has decided to hire local Ithaca residents to circulate buildings holding local hot-spot routers. This plan was coordinated with Mayor Svante Myrick in response to students’ anger over lack of Internet service and Myrick’s desire…
HO PLAZA– In an unforeseen turn of events, the Cornell Store announced early Monday morning that it would be significantly reducing the price of merchandise on a wide array of items at an almost alarming rate. For the first time in the history of profit-driven retail, the store has placed an estimated two/thirds of its…
ITHACA FARMERS MARKET—As formal season approaches, sorority women across campus are steadying themselves for the yearly tradition of taking their high level of self-worth and throwing it straight out the window. “Normally, I never would have allowed my grand big to set me up with her anxious, emaciated lab partner,” grimaced Lauren Saltzman ’20. “But…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – Monday, in one of her weekly emails to the student body, Denise Cassaro reminded students that the semester, as well as their youth, is already half-over. “Wow!” remarked Cassaro in her signature multi-color newsletter. “I can’t believe it! It feels like the semester just began! In just a few weeks you…
PLUMTREE–An innocent night of Glee Club sake bombing turned menacing as club member and future weapons manufacturer Harrison Griffith ‘24 reportedly got “way too into” the idea of deploying sake into foreign beer territory. “As soon as I said the word ‘bomb’ his eyes lit up,” said club president Kiera Torres ‘23. “I tried telling…
HOUSTON, TEXAS—In a press conference Thursday afternoon, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods responded to concerns about the timeline of his company’s sustainable energy reforms, assuring reporters that ExxonMobil “is on track to fully reduce or balance [their] carbon emissions by the end of human civilization at the very latest.” While climate scientists and policymakers generally agree…
COOK HOUSE—Last night, after an hour or so of tossing and turning, Noelle Keyes ‘28 got out of bed to turn the thermostat down, only to find that her roommate, ልጎጮቹቹ ርዐረዪጎጋፏቹ ’28 of El Infierno, California, had set the temperature to a toasty 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit. Although she turned it down to a more…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—As club finances have begun to run out, organizations around campus have been getting desperate in their attempts to gather funding. Certain organizations have been taking especially unique approaches. Particularly aggressive clubs have resorted to tackling passersby and shoving multitudes of stale, cold, chicken sandwiches down their throats. “One moment I was on…
BIG RED BARN—Let’s face it, college can be hard. And on a high-pressure campus like Cornell’s, it can be challenging for students to admit they’re struggling. Historically, attempts to cope with such failures have ranged anywhere from heavy drinking to, in dire cases, getting really into rock climbing. But in recent years, graduating seniors are…
