NOOZ VIEWZ | The Editorial Board Recently Found Out About “Monopolies” CU Nooz has always prided itself in being the only news source on campus. But recently, we have discovered an undercover publication that you probably never heard of before, the Daily Sun, and have unanimously decided to buy the Sun the moment they go…
After a short-lived stint as the hot topic on campus, Pocket Points, an app that gives students rewards for turning off their phones in class, has quickly faded out of the public eye and therefore does not warrant any kind of editorial response from us here at CU Nooz. The app offered students deals and…
WILLIAMS STREET—Local party host Jeffery Norton ‘20 is reportedly regretting his decision to share a collaborative Spotify playlist with friends after one guest with a bizarre taste in music took full advantage of the invitation to contribute. While most playlist contributors added a few of their favorite hits from the top 40 or some 2000’s…
DICKSON HALL — A month into fall semester, the Worst Student of the Class of 2020 has officially been announced as James Romm, selected from over over 3200 students of this year’s freshmen. “We are pleased to reveal that, after locking himself out of his dorm room twice in one week, James Romm is now…
ITHACA, NY – Determined to bounce back from her disappointing Fall semester at Cornell, returning freshman Maddie Campbell reportedly “has a really good feeling” about her New Years resolution to go to the gym, ace her classes, make new friends, have lots of sex, and party every weekend. “It’s all about the mindset,” Campbell explains,…
ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an…
ITHACA—The stars have once again aligned for young lovers Thomas “Tom” Wayman ‘22 and Stephanie French ‘22. This February 14th, in addition to Valentine’s Day, the couple will also celebrate their 23rd consecutive day together. “When the universe aligns like this, it just shows that Stephanie and I are meant to be,” boasted Wayman. “She’s…
MORRISON HALL—After years of student probing and questioning over the recipe to Morrison Hall’s famous baked goods, Cornell Dining chefs have finally acknowledged the secret ingredient in every Cornell muffin: pure hatred. “Every muffin we produce is crafted with pure disdain in order to produce the taste of distilled loathing every Cornell student loves,” explained…
COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. “7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors,…
COLLEGETOWN—According to underclassmen members of the Cornell Water Polo team, president Brian Mach ’21 has “totally checked the fuck out” and is in “major ghost mode” as he approaches graduation and the end of his four long years at Cornell. Members began to complain to each other following a practice wherein Mach led drills while…
