BARNES HALL—Congratulations! You made it to the Ivy League! As a Cornell student, you get unlimited access to the finest resources the institution has to offer: world-class professors, cutting-edge research facilities, and a career services department that hasn’t worked on a résumé since the Bush administration. This last detail came as a surprise to unsuspecting…
HUNTINGTON, NY—Following her first steps into the “real world” making life-altering decisions like where to work or where to live, Justina Alvaro ’20 was faced with her most difficult choice yet: whether to ask her Facebook friends to celebrate her accomplishments or feel bad for her. “I know, whatever I choose, that this will be…
STATLER HALL–In a state of heart-pounding distress, School of Hotel Administration sophomore Franklin Terkinler ‘24 Googled the ingredients necessary to make a cobb salad in order to create flashcards for his upcoming prelim in HADM 4320: Contemporary Healthy Foods. “After I stupidly identified couscous as quinoa this past prelim, I really need to do well…
With Student Assembly elections currently underway, political analysts are calling this year’s campaigns some of the most highly contested in history. Here are the CU Nooz political team’s predictions: S.A. President: Sarah Balik. Thaddeus Talbot’s weak ankles and poor reflexes will be too much for him to overcome in the physical portion of…
NORTH CAMPUS – A somber mood has struck the Cornell campus today as student IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet has been reported as missing. Local authorities have been asking members of the surrounding community if they’ve seen Ms. Whosthebestlittleontheplanet, who was last seen on Facebook two days ago but has never been seen in person. Based on her…
CORNELL HEALTH—Despite a valiant effort to keep morale high, the goofy posters of wellness memes Cornell Health has been hanging up just are not going to get it done at the moment. “I totally understand they’re doing their best to keep everyone’s spirits up,” said Ramash Miraja ‘22. “But when I get an email from…
PRINCETON, NJ—Upon returning home from campus, sexual deviant Jack Bergen ‘22 was unsure whether to be aroused or worried after experiencing shortness of breath, one of the primary symptoms of COVID-19. “I would normally love the asphyxiation,” said Bergen. “But with this whole Coronavirus shebang I’m not sure if my difficulty breathing is concerning enough…
ARTS QUAD—Police surrounded Klarman Hall today in the biggest organized crime bust in Cornell’s history. The tens of attendees at The Dons’ third annual a cappella performance were shocked as officers stormed the stage and started making arrests instead of beatboxing. The big bust was made in part due to the bravery of one particularly…
The Princeton review collegiate newspaper rankings recently redacted their placement of the Cornell Daily Sun as the number one collegiate news publication, instead replacing it with the critically acclaimed site ezrahub.com. Princeton review chairman William Tukling explained to CU Nooz, “We reviewed our numbers, and realized no one actually reads the Sun. Meanwhile, thousands of students…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In celebration of his 100th birthday, Willard Straight Hall ‘25 announced his candidacy for Congress last Monday, stirring confusion across campus. Students, under the impression that buildings and politicians could not feel or think, flocked to a press conference the following day to witness the giant structure speak. “There comes a time in…
