ITHACA, NY — Last Tuesday, rising Junior Archie Spruce published the findings of his research detailing a remarkable 70 (previously undocumented) new kinds of sweat. Spruce is spending the summer in Ithaca conducting his research as “the humid, jungle-like temperatures” provided ideal experimental conditions. “We are pleased to publish the conclusions of our study, conducted…
COLLEGETOWN- A roving pack of freshmen numbering somewhere between 15 and 25 was reported around the Collegetown area last night terrorizing parties. Residents are advised to take precautions against the feral creatures, says CUPD representative Trisha Brenning. “Around this time of year, these packs of young adults can easily form when one of them decides…
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA—In a bold attempt to strengthen its monopoly on the market for needlessly annoying authenticating platforms for college students, Duo Mobile is set to launch an exciting new feature that preys on the crippled attention spans of young adults everywhere. This move was prompted by the disappointing response to their previous update. Contrary…
DAY HALL — Cornell celebrated the rousing success of their plan to distract students angry about the new Health Fee by raising tuition again. “We asked ourselves, how can we get all these angry students to forget about the health fee? Then we realized — maybe they will forget about the fact that we are…
STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy. “Of course they can’t just print more BRBs, sweetie,”…
WASHINGTON, D.C.– Still angered over the introduction of the new Gannett health fee, student activists stormed into Smithsonian Secretary David Skorton’s office in Washington, refusing to leave until the fee was revoked. “We are here to show the administration that the student body will not quietly sit back and succumb to their corporate agenda. $350…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Students stopping to use Willard Straight’s bathroom facilities Saturday confirmed that their routines were interrupted by speculation over the building’s antique condom dispensers, which could only be the last remnants of the building’s former 24/7 orgy. “Imagine… a time when noses weren’t the only orifice being pounded. A time when ‘business casual’ included…
DUFFIELD HALL—Last week, Bruce Reid ‘26, a Cornell mechanical engineering student, proudly sported his “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” shirt around campus. However, Reid’s peers claim that they didn’t require his extra clarification to figure out his major. “Oftentimes, images portray an idea better than words,” said Jabari White ‘25, who saw…
BARTON HALL – Audience members of yesterday’s Modest Mouse show say it was one of the best performances they had ever seen, as the band played their hit song “Float On” for the entire two hour concert. “I’m a massive fan of Modest Mouse. I’ve probably played ‘Float On’ about one-hundred times on my ipod”…
JANSEN’S MARKET — Onlookers in Noyes came to the conclusion earlier this afternoon that the entire cheesecake staring at them from the lonely refrigerated display wasn’t going to eat itself after all. “One thing’s for certain: that scrumptious-looking dessert has no capacity for autophagy and no one else in this line has the guts to…
