Bill of Rights Battle: ROTC Hookup Requests to Stay the Night in Gov Major’s Dorm
TONI MORRISON HALL—Despite the ongoing Friday night festivities, Freshmen Jackson Avery ’27 and Annabelle Warner ’27 remained locked in a stand-off. Avery, a private in the small militia known as Cornell ROTC, broke the post hookup haze by demanding that Warner’s room be the quarters where he and his musket lay to rest that night….
Fuck! New “Friend” With Same Name As You Is Here To Stay
COLLEGETOWN—Over the course of four years at a university, many students must eventually confront the terrifying reality that they’ll make a “friend” with their same name that sticks around. Such panic set in for Kate McCarthy ‘25 after being introduced to a friend of a friend at Collegetown Bagels. “I played it cool at first,”…
Face With Name Desperately Needs Your Vote For Student Assembly
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the midst of a Student Assembly election that could be inaccurately described as “heated,” candidates have struggled to garner support from an indifferent student body. While some have made attempts to share their ideas about new resolutions and policies, the best and brightest among them have simply slapped a picture of their…
OP-ED: Enough Time Has Passed. This Halloween, I’m Going as Slutty Ruth Bader Ginsburg
For the past three years, I’ve been told to just hold out a little longer, to wait until next time, and to remain “tasteful.” But after two halloweekends of disappointing costumes (Sexy John M. Olin ‘22, Clara Dicks-in ‘23), the gloves—or should I say Justice robes—are finally coming off. In the words of the great…
Cornell Abolishes PE Requirement, Extends Clock Tower Detour Instead
HO PLAZA—Celebrations that Cornell abolished its physical education requirement were short lived amid the university’s announcement that it would be extending the clock tower detour as a replacement. The new detour spans several miles and even requires walking up the slope. When pressed about their decision to extend the detour, Cornell officials explained that the…
Oliver Twist? Student Must Picketh a Pocket to Afford a Zeus Latte
TEMPLE OF ZEUS—’Twas a day most ordinary in the most extravagant food shoppe in Ithaca: Doth Great Temple of Zeus. For Junior Owen Sowerberry ’25, the price to feed a troublesome caffeine addiction was damn near impossible. Upon the realization that he had spent his last pittance to wash his ragged work clothes, Sowerberry realized…
Burden of One Thousand Stones: Class Project Group Includes Athletes
GATES HALL—Group projects are crucial educational tools for building skills of collaboration, critical thinking, and problem-solving for students across the classroom. But for Jamie Hanizo ‘25, this communalistic fantasy quickly became a nightmare. As he wandered into his 10:10 AM Information Science discussion at 10:09 AM, Hanizo was greeted with a horrifying sight: the student’s…
Uh Oh! Worst Person You Know Still Talking About Steve Aoki Concert
NORTHEAST ITHACA—With the arrival of October, the Homecoming festivities have finally come to a close at Cornell University. However, one eager student with cash to blow has not gotten the message. “Did you know that I had the blessed chance to see once-in-a-lifetime music revolutionary Steve Aoki at the ZBT house?” asked sophomore transfer Jackson…
Average Speed of Car Hitting a Pedestrian in Collegetown Goes Down from 80 MPH to 75 MPH
COLLEGETOWN— Cornell’s latest efforts to ensure pedestrian safety has had a tangible impact in Collegetown, where the average speed of a car hitting a pedestrian has gone down from 80 mph to 75 mph. The new law reduced the speed limit 5 mph, from 30 mph to 25 mph. Motorists have apprehensively accepted the shift:…