Every day at noon, I begin my arduous trek to the piss palace which I had carefully chosen on the ninth floor of Bradfield Hall, a place so far off the beaten path that no mortal man would dare to venture. See, a man’s experience in the bathroom is a sacred thing; it’s a time…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — In an ingenious display of sophistication, first-year student Ryley Carpenter confidently typed his first essay for HIST 1260: The Italian Renaissance in a font sure to catch his professor’s eye: courier new . “I’m confident in my writing, but I’m always looking for that extra edge to take it up a notch,”…
ARTS QUAD–“Wow! Isn’t she so beautiful?” says a salivating Fredirck Wiles ‘25 over Caroline Naderi ‘24, who has been assigned to be the face of the “ground-breaking, barrier-smashing, revolutionary club,” as she has just been granted permission to exit her storage closet.Engineering project teams across campus have been concerned about their ratio, and the Cornell…
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
COLLEGETOWN—In an act of generosity that has been deemed “his literal one job” and “below the bare minimum,” one landlord has responded to a report of a broken dryer by installing a completely new broken dryer. “Look, there are two main functions of a dryer,” local landlord Jimmy Hilton ‘96 explained. “The first important function…
WEST CAMPUS—Students on West Campus awoke this morning to a startling and deeply disturbing sight: Libe Slope. “I really thought it would’ve eroded by now,” said Earth Sciences junior Thomas Fieldston. “I mean, you’ve got students marching on it all day, crazy unpredictable weather, and Goldwin Smith, which has gotta weigh a ton.” Students are…
NORTH CAMPUS–In the wake of budget cuts and reprioritization, the one psychiatrist in charge of caring for Cornell’s entire student population has found themselves overwhelmed and unaware of whom they can talk to in a crisis. “Look, there are 25,000 students at this university, and they need adequate mental healthcare,” stated Dr. James Skinner, hand…
CENTRAL CAMPUS—As students adjust to their first few weeks of classes, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have begun their annual recruitment cycles, preparing publicity drives and ClubFest displays designed to attract the school’s best and brightest. While all of these organizations are eager to meet their new members, perhaps none are more enthusiastic than Cornell’s business fraternities,…
FRANK MORRISON HALL—Animal Science Professor Dr. Cleetus Conroy came under fire from campus critics this week after the revelation that his long standing relationship with one of the lab’s research cows began when she was only a calf. While many had looked fondly upon the human-cattle couple, this new discovery has ignited a hotbed of…
BAKER LAB — Students looking to get their PE requirement out of the way quickly have a new option: trekking to the third floor of Baker Lab. While most students opt to casually bowl twice a week to fulfill the University’s Physical Education requirement, those willing to challenge themselves can instead choose to conquer the…
