COLLEGETOWN- This Monday, not yet yawning Naomi Morningstar ‘23 logged into Student Center to enroll in her senior year classes at the wee hours of the morning. “We thought that this was the best call for the situation,” Cornell’s Dean of Academic Enrollment Tobias Nightingale explained. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen…
LIBE SLOPE—In a massive Earth Day victory for campus sustainability groups, local student and environmental warrior Devin Carmichael ‘24 helped save the planet by heroically kicking an empty beer can out of a walkway. “I have a friend who’s an Environment and Sustainability major, so I’ve always been pretty attuned to issues with nature and…
OFFICE OF ALUMNI AFFAIRS, COLLEGETOWN–After years of famous alumni and world-renowned figures in the arts, sciences, and government giving speeches at Cornell’s convocation ceremonies, the Cornell administration has finally retired the college tradition, citing a lack of any more notable alumni to speak. A transcript from the last planning session for the convocation ceremony before…
KENNEDY HALL—Professor Ray Farrow’s 11:00am biology lecture failed to conclude on time today despite a seemingly biblical intervention of frogs and locusts enveloping the auditorium. While the entrapped students pleaded with the course instructor to stop the class at the scheduled time, Professor Farrow could not be dissuaded by the barrage of amphibian interruptions. “He…
COLLEGETOWN– It was a typical afternoon for Bradley Worcestershire IV, ‘23 when a trip for a salted caramel frappuccino came to halt upon discovering that the Starbucks on College Ave was closed due to an ongoing labor strike being waged by its workers. “It was odd, bro. I couldn’t really get why the workers were…
STATLER HALL—Between bouts of violent, uncontrollable coughing characteristic of either a mild seasonal pollen allergy or the novel coronavirus, senior hotelie Milton Dyer lamented his springtime sniffles. “My allergies are so annoying this time of year,” said Dyer as he audibly struggled to catch his breath. When passed a paper cup of Bordeaux in Wines…
COLLEGETOWN—Facing the horrors of another row of lake-sized potholes, Brad, junior Sarah Mcllroy’s Blue G-Wagon, mustered the courage to beg his driver to spare him, just this once. “I can’t do it anymore,” cried Brad, as a large bump shuddered his very being. “Every time we reach the peak of Williams for that split second…
HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.” “How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense…
STEWART AVE—Soon to graduate Bryan Borren ‘22 experienced a matriculation meltdown yesterday while attempting to construct a new Instagram bio. After using “Cornell ‘22” for the last four and a half years, Borren found himself entirely unable to find a new 150 character combination that properly summarized his being. “I’m totally out of options,” explained…
WEST CAMPUS—After being swarmed with questions from friends as to why they missed the massive parties in South Beach last week, members of Pi Pi Delta fraternity explained that a booking error had sent them to party at Miami University of Ohio instead. “Fuck bro, shit happens sometimes” Brad Nolan ‘23 admitted. “I will acknowledge…
