PLUMTREE–An innocent night of Glee Club sake bombing turned menacing as club member and future weapons manufacturer Harrison Griffith ‘24 reportedly got “way too into” the idea of deploying sake into foreign beer territory.
“As soon as I said the word ‘bomb’ his eyes lit up,” said club president Kiera Torres ‘23. “I tried telling him it’s only a name, but he was already asking me if the sake would be hypersonic or ‘just a regular old explosive.’ He kept talking about the splash radius and how much damage I thought he could do to people’s jackets. Plus, he owes me like $35 in drinks and keeps insisting the government will pay for it.”
Despite his club members’ ire, Griffith, who was eventually removed from the restaurant for bursting into the kitchen to “liberate their oil,” remains unrepentant about his actions.
“I would never sake bomb around unarmed civilians if it wasn’t critical to our nation’s security, or if I didn’t think the liquid explosion would be really cool to watch,” said Griffith. “I was merely doing what had to be done to protect Cornellian interests off-campus.That’s why I’m proud to report there will be no consequences for my actions, and also that Raytheon has doubled my salary so that I can investigate the explosive properties of Jägerbombs next week.”
At press time, Griffith could be heard insisting that the sole victims of sake bombing hangovers had been enemy combatants.
