NEWPORT, RI—Sophomore Brian Dennings ‘22 displayed an exceptionally high amount of misplaced self-confidence in his ability to make authentic dumplings, simply because his “girlfriend is Chinese.” “How hard could it actually be?” Dennings asked. “My girlfriend makes dumplings for her family all the time, and just because her mom taught her how to cook them…
MCGRAW HALL – After recommendations from his students and the administration, Professor Desmond Wallace, anthropology, has decided to start posting his articles on Blackboard. “I suppose you can say I’ve emerged from the Stone Age, per se,” said Wallace, as he proudly wrote out the hyperlinks to the online reading in chalk on the board….
WASHINGTON, DC—During an Oval Office press conference with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman last week, President Trump fired back at a journalist’s question about the Middle Eastern leader’s role in the 2018 murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “You’re mentioning somebody that was extremely controversial,” Trump replied, referring to Khashoggi. “A lot of people didn’t…
Saying this at a Dyson School-sponsored career fair isn’t how I wanted this to go down, but I have to just say it: I’m rejecting your post-graduation offer in order to be an entry-level associate at JP Morgan. It’s important for you to know that it’s not you or your organizational structure, it’s my carefully…
ITHACA—After a scandal caused almost entirely by their own decisions, Cornell Republicans have raised concern that they are being discriminated against simply because of their complete lack of empathy for their classmates. “Race, sexual orientation, gender identity, and so many more things can lead to groups becoming marginalized,” mentioned a member of the campus political…
HO PLAZA–This Earth Day, the Cornell Store is making a special pledge to the planet. For every item that goes unpurchased, they will match it with a generous donation to the Tompkins County Solid Waste Center. Eco-saviors are invited to open their hearts, but mostly their wallets, and find a semblance of purpose within store inventory:…
IVES HALL—In an unexpected Valentine’s twist, Cornell’s Perfect Match team managed the impossible by matching every Industrial Labor Relations Student together into one loving collective bargaining unit. “I can’t wait to ask all 1,000 of my new matches out on a first date!” exclaimed Richard Lunka ‘24. “I have so many romantic ideas for us…
Due to under-staffing, all campus libraries and study spaces (other than Carpenter Hall) are now closed. The campus library system is frequented by thousands of students every day. The libraries are mostly used for socializing, sleeping, eating, printing things, and occasionally completing course work. The decision to close library facilities was poorly received by the…
Edging out Plant Sciences by 40 votes, the winner of the second annual Major Cornell Major Tournament is Food Sciences! Out of the top 64 of the many majors at Cornell, Food Sciences is crowned the absolute toppest. Thank you to everyone who participated in this tournament. Food Sciences nerds have won three articles about…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell freshman Arnold Gimmelstein spent most of Wednesday, March 5 utterly confused. The freshman bio major, who woke believing Wednesday to be an ordinary day, was surprised when he saw hundreds of students with black marks on their foreheads. Sources say that Gimmelstein asked most of his friends what the reason was,…
