BARTON HALL – In excited anticipation for their Saturday night concert, reports indicate that the indie-electronic band Passion Pit has been pouring over their own music nonstop in an attempt to learn the lyrics to their songs. “Wow, we’re pretty hard to understand, aren’t we? There’s no way we’re going to be able to sing…
With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet. While there was a lot of big talk about the cutting-edge formula…
SCHOELLKOPF —With thousands of students and alumni on campus to celebrate Homecoming weekend, football fans were disappointed on Saturday as Cornell was defeated 31-14 by musicians Grace Potter and Icona Pop. “I’m very proud of my boys, but we all knew it was going to be rough going up against an indie singer and a…
BETHESDA, MD — After his lottery victory this week, Cornell Freshman and recent Powerball Jackpot Winner Gregory Michaels reported that his parents are still complaining to him about tuition costs. With his winnings, Michaels was able to purchase his family a beautiful mansion in his hometown in Maryland, while his father continued to insist he…
CASCADILLA HALL—A White House announcement last Monday suggested that acetaminophen, commonly branded as Tylenol, is a leading cause of autism. The announcement sent shockwaves through the dating app community, members of whom are already adapting to the news. Local single Eric Pilgrim ‘28 immediately went on Hinge to announce that he “didn’t mind a little…
MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class. “I really…
LOW RISE 6—In response to mounting requests since O-Week to stop the pileup of impressively profuse and wiry pubes festooning his floor’s toilet seats and shower stalls, RA Matthew Booker ‘22 has decided to launch “all out war” against Low Rise 6’s “hairy little shitgoblins.” “These little shits have had it too good for too…
COLLEGETOWN – With the new school year beginning, seniors across the Cornell campus have been described as being “fully prepared” and “excited” for the final few fun months of their life. “Wow, the past three years have gone by in a flash. But now I’m ready to have a great senior year, maybe take a…
DAY HALL—Amid fallout from the most recent release of documents which further confirm President Trump’s ties to the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff faces a dilemma regarding the recent deal the university concluded with the federal government. As part of the agreement, Kotlikoff and a guest received round-trip airfare and a…
ITHACA-While visiting campus earlier this week, 18-year-old Jacob Goldstein was confident that his Early Decision application to Cornell would be accepted. However, despite his self-assurance and newly acquired standing as an adult, the Scarsdale High School senior simply could not restrain himself from chuckling when his tour guide welcomed the group to “Ho Plaza”. “I…
