Tuesday, September 8, 2026
Cryptic “OMG! Wrong Group” Message Hints at Interesting Private Life for Ryan from Marketing Project GroupMe
Administration Demolishes Low Rises for Pre-frosh Visits
“One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy,” Says Frat Pledge Assigned to Clean up Infinite Sand After Tropical-Themed Party
Breaking: Cornell Alma Mater Now Stuck in Your Head

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Cornell Fraternity Members Forced Freshmen to Play Lacrosse, University Says
Cornell Health to Renew Double Diamond Subscription to WebMD for Fiscal Year 2020
Bitch Mom Telling Daughter to Come Home Because of Global Pandemic
“These Hands Don’t Haze!” Says Frat President Who Used Legs to Kick Shit Out of Pledges

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OP-ED: Owie, My Imposter Syndrome

Fourth Info Session Paints Club in Totally New Light

Unemployed “Arts Quad Kid” Thinking About Reading on Law School Quad

“That Should Impress the Professor,” Thinks Student Writing FWS Essay in Courier New

“Aw Man, They’re Gonna Notice This Time!” Daily Sun Distributor Forgets To Pass Out Newspaper For Third Consecutive Week

“And What Big Teeth You Have!” Roommate Looks Different Following Coyote Disappearance

Both Roommates Waiting for Right Time to Put Up Katy Perry Poster

Confident Freshman Hands J.P. Morgan Resume from High School

Bricks on Stewart Avenue Eagerly Anticipate New Influx of Cars to Destroy During Homecoming Weekend

Freshman Switches Major, Career Path, Name, Religion, and Sexuality After Inspiring Coffee Chat

Ann Coulter Disappointed Two Thirds of Speech Attendees Just Huge Fans of Her Performance On “Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!”

Nooz Staff02 mins

MYRON TAYLOR HALL—While most would be thrilled to have such dedicated fans following their career, controversial political pundit Ann Coulter was reportedly “extremely disappointed” that the crowd at her appearance on Wednesday consisted primarily of Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! enthusiasts. “The midterm elections just happened,” the actress, renowned for her Oscar-worthy and emotional performance…

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Cornell Senior Accepts “Senior Counselor” Job Offer from Brentwoods Sleep-Away Camp

Nooz Staff01 mins

ITHACA, NY- Josh Erikson ‘14, who was deciding between applying to medical school or continuing his 7-year streak working as a counselor at Brentwoods sleepaway, ultimately decided the latter would be “much more chill.” After being selected group leader last summer, Josh reportedly felt like he had a really strong future with the camp. “I…

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Illegal Canadian Immigrants Descend on Lynah Rink Thanks to Josh Riley’s Open Border Policy

Nooz Staff02 mins

LYNAH‌ RINK—Following a not-so-miracle-on-ice defeat at the hands of Big Red Hockey, local Buffalo officials have reported that several suspicious yet polite-looking men in flannel were seen attempting to cross back into Canada. When questioned, the men claimed to be a part of a mysterious organization, identified only as the “University of Toronto.” “JOSH‌‌‌‌ RILEY’S…

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Undergraduate Researcher Makes Breakthrough on Professor’s Desired Coffee Flavors

Nooz Staff02 mins

WEILL HALL – After months of careful research, undergraduate research assistant Elizabeth Wooding ‘19 confirmed that Biomedical Engineering Professor Anthony Watkins’ preferred flavor of coffee is mocha. “I think we’re going to publish soon,” said Wooding cheerfully following the last bit of data gathered from her many tireless trips back and forth between Starbucks and…

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