1. For a fun time with friends, go apple picking at Cornell Orchards! 2. When you get to the Orchards, lose your friends in the trees. You won’t be needing them. 3. Find the man wearing a red coat. 4. Don’t ask him any questions. 5. The man will have an envelope. Take it from…
STATLER HOTEL—School of Hotel Administration student Michael Lowett ‘18 took over this week’s Establishment dinner with an experimental and unorthodox meal solely comprised of small geometric patterns. Lowett described his menu as “a piece that captures the duality of life and religion,” but when customers showed up for the event, almost no food was served….
SCHWARTZ CENTER—Bidding a tearful goodbye to his mother and father, Harry Landry ‘17 shipped out for his final call in Upstate New York vineyards. “I knew what I was signing up for when I was recruited during rush week freshman year,” said Landry as he took one last look at his family. “It’s my duty…
Ted Donato, head coach of the Harvard Men’s Ice Hockey team, has threatened to cut off funding to ECAC, thereby shutting the entire organization down, unless 11 additional historical wins against Cornell are added to Harvard’s record. Such a move would tip Harvard’s total wins over the past 104 years above Cornell’s. “We have tried,…
ITHACA, NY — According to a new study at Cornell University, four out of five researchers would have preferred to go to Goldie’s for lunch. Steven Pratchett was the only one in the lab who wanted to go to Temple of Zeus. Citing Goldie’s closer location, delicious sandwiches, and its atmosphere, all the other scientists…
SPIRIT HALLOWEEN—One lying cunt notoriously stands out among the student body as the absolute fakest, nastiest bitch to crawl the earth. This fugly, complete skank was shopping for a slutty Halloween disguise when she was spotted strutting right past the devil horn section to snatch a fluffy angel halo from the hands of an innocent…
COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway. “I’m so proud to continue…
STEWART AVENUE—In a landmark moment for environmental lobbyists, the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation officially moved to protect the invariably flooded Beta Phi Tau house basement as a critical wetland habitat. “It was almost like a dream come true when our surveyors stumbled across this swamp, nearly untouched despite its close proximity to…
DUFFIELD HALL—Table configurations in Duffield Hall this evening indicate that yet another fucking event is taking place in the Engineering Quad’s busiest hall. “I was just eating at Mattin’s when three students came up and yanked my seat from under me, muttering something about ‘needing my chair for the Tesla people,’” said Jessica Nguyen ‘20….
MORRILL HALL—In the wake of research showing Cornell’s endowment was derived from government gifts of stolen Native land, campus administration has made Cornell the world’s first university to deliver a land acknowledgement before completing purchases of stolen Native land from the federal government.“We Cornellians take pride in our status as a land-grant university,” stated Vice…
