Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Josh like I do every…
ITHACA TOWN HALL — Early this morning, Ithaca mayor Svante Myrick announced that he would be canceling all of his scheduled meetings in favor of sewing the finishing touches onto his halloween costume with his mom. “I’m gonna be a race car driver!” said an excited Myrick as he and his mother gathered up a…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—When a lecturer continues past the scheduled end of class, many students are afraid or indifferent, and pass over the opportunity to speak up. But when his History of Egypt lecture ran long last week, Moses Amramson ‘26 decided to take matters into his own hands. “I was sitting next to my brother, Aaron,…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—As the end of the school year nears, most clubs have begun to elect new executive boards to lead. However, future totalitarian Emma Wills ‘25 (?) has declined to answer whether she will seek a third term as President of Cornell Political Union. As President of the political group for both the fall…
MAMARONECK, NY—Thad McQuaid ‘20 recently expressed profound sadness that the first scorching of his oppressively pasty skin happened at home in Westchester, and not on the Arts Quad back in Ithaca. “It just sucks, bro,” McQuaid explained tearfully. “Every year my boys and I would wait for the first nice day of spring and spend…
DONLON HALL — The entirety of Cornell University experienced a power outage earlier this afternoon, a campus-wide problem that has now been attributed to freshman Johnny Ribb ’19 using a spider lamp in his Donlon single dorm room. “See? I told you! I told you spider lamps were dangerous!” announced Donlon third floor RA Ryan…
FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all. “This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber which totally will take our…
COLLEGETOWN—Every Halloweekend, even the most loyal of friend groups must inevitably reckon with the ultimate trial: picking a fair group costume. This Hallows’ Eve, Kendall Lin ‘27 and her friends were no exception to this timeless tradition of friendship-ruining decisions. “So, Jenna will be Tinker Bell the Tinker Fairy, I’ll be Silvermist the Water Fairy,…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—With five seconds left in the first half of today’s game against Harvard, quarterback Logan Moore ‘19 showed solidarity with African American victims of police brutality by taking a knee on his own three-yard line. “The entire stadium was silent. Of course, that’s pretty on par for a Cornell football game, but this time…
DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…
