Local Investment Banker-in-the-making Kent Gonzalez allegedly sort of knows what the word “leverage” means. “It has to do with debt, I know that. And ‘leverage’ sounds like ‘lever’, which you use to balance something, so it’s like balancing the books with debt, right?” says Kent Gonzalez, the student who dreams of one day working for…
ITHACA- Following his completion of pre-enroll, varsity hockey player Tucker Maclin ’15, announced his excitement at the fact that next semester he will, like all previous semesters, be receiving a 4.0 GPA . This incredible feat will be accomplished while taking a substantial 18 credits, only having classes on Wednesdays, and with the stipulation that…
DONLON – Kyle Kirkland (Engineering ‘16) has decided to air his grievances with the University after he was assigned the NetID “kkk666.” Kirkland explained, “My middle name is Kevin because my parents like alliteration. I’m not a racist. Also, I don’t worship Satan. Honestly, I’m not really sure what having the ID ‘kkk666’ makes me…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Unbeknownst to all but the Daily Sun’s four dedicated readers, Cornell Football suffered a loss last Saturday in their opening match against Colgate University. However, the team was “comforted” by the “complete lack of interest or attention from the student body,” said head coach Dan Swanstrom. As a result, players were dismayed to learn…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. “It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — The departure of Will Toddson ‘20 from his otherwise all-female FGSS 1101 class was met with excitement; during the first few minutes without him, the girls were finally free to remove their clothes and have a long, sexy pillow fight. “I mean, we’ll miss having a rational and logical mind to…
ITHACA- An inside source has revealed The Cornell Law School has partnered with the Biology Department to breed a herd of specialized “Horse Lawyers”. This information comes at the wake of a recent Law School scandal involving the alleged destruction of over $200K in horse semen. According to our source, the training of these equine…
ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY— Accustomed to home-cooked meals served in bite-sized chunks, Neil Doyle ‘21 realized that without his mom to help, he had no idea how to cut the large piece of dining hall chicken on his plate. “There’s a bone in here,” muttered the utterly-stumped freshman, studying the inconvenient slab of meat and…
LYNAH RINK- The men’s hockey team was defeated by Union College Saturday evening in a game that was tightly contested for all three periods. “Our boys fought hard out there,” said Coach Mike Schafer of the game in which his team allowed their opponent to score only once, a touchdown for seven points, on defense….
DAY HALL — Administrators in Day Hall for the past few weeks have basked in the luxury of their massive campus bureaucracy, reveling in their absolute power as the myth of shared governance spreads across campus like a disease. Sources close to the building reported large numbers of faculty in the unruly beast of a…
