CU Nooz – Page 78

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university. “I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal…

Ultra-Powerful Gaming Laptop Used for School

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

IVES HALL—Overclocking his 9th Generation Intel Core and NVIDIA GeForce RTX to open yet another Wikipedia tab, Dennis Murphy ‘23 pushed the absolute limits of his Razer Blade Pro 17 to write an essay for his FWS. With each keystroke, the keys on Murphy’s individually backlit ghost-proof Chroma keyboard flashed in a beautiful chromatic symphony,…

Martha Pollack Releases Official List of Most Fuckable Student-Athletes

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — Following weeks of debate and consideration, Martha Pollack and the Board of Trustees unveiled their official list of the student-athletes with the tightest, hottest bodies on campus. “Our administration spent many hours on the bleachers of the Teagle pool, by the sidelines of Schoellkopf, and in the varsity weight room,” stated President…

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Stupid Fuck Still Thinks He’s Getting Free Printing

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

OLIN LIBRARY—Despite the announcement that free printing on campus has been delayed until next fall, dumb piece of shit Andy Bardner ‘21 still has faith that Cornell will eventually provide free printing. “I’ve done a whole cost-benefit analysis, and it’s at least a few cents cheaper to wait for free printing than purchasing my own…

Animal Science Major Only Does It Doggy Style

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

MORRISON HALL—Local Animal Science major Dimitri Rubinov ‘23 is carrying his passion for the animal kingdom into the bedroom by only having sex doggy style. “It seems arrogant to go against the sexual practices of every single other animal,” Rubinov announced. “At the end of the day, we are just animals. My Cornell education has…

Freshman Who Slept Through Prelim Hoping Curve Will Save Him

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…

OP-ED: How I Escaped Prelim Stress By Taking a Bruce Monger-Style Cross-Country Motorcycle Journey

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

At Cornell, the constant pressure to succeed academically can make a person feel like a passive bystander in their own life. I fell victim to this phenomenon last weekend, prior to a particularly daunting series of scheduled prelims. But just when all hope seemed lost, I remembered the words of climate activist and Oceanography Professor…

University to Construct Giant Nipple Atop Bailey Hall

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

BAILEY HALL—In keeping with the university’s requirement to continually construct buildings in the contemporary style, Cornell has announced plans to construct an enormous nipple towering above Bailey Hall’s 1,324 seats, reminding all who enter of a nipple. “When I was walking by Bailey Hall during my usual campus rounds the other day, I couldn’t help…

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Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone. “It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s…

Krispy Kreme Surpasses SAFC as Main Body Responsible for Funding Clubs

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

DUFFIELD HALL — According to student treasurers, clubs and societies at Cornell now attribute a majority of their incoming revenue to Krispy Kreme donut sales as opposed to their allocated budget from the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC). Citing denied budget requests and stringent requirements, various clubs have decided that Krispy Kreme is a more…

Consulting Club Rejects Forced to Enjoy Youth Instead

Eric Adams Drops Out of NYC Mayoral Race, Excited to Pursue Corruption in Other Aspects of Public Service

Please Take One! Frat Leaves Basket of Zyns on Doorstep for Early Recruitment of Trick-or-Treaters

“Can I be Gru?” Asks Short, Yellow, One-Eyed Friend with No Self-Awareness

Illegal Canadian Immigrants Descend on Lynah Rink Thanks to Josh Riley’s Open Border Policy

Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Ultra-Powerful Gaming Laptop Used for School

Martha Pollack Releases Official List of Most Fuckable Student-Athletes

Stupid Fuck Still Thinks He’s Getting Free Printing

Animal Science Major Only Does It Doggy Style

Freshman Who Slept Through Prelim Hoping Curve Will Save Him

OP-ED: How I Escaped Prelim Stress By Taking a Bruce Monger-Style Cross-Country Motorcycle Journey

University to Construct Giant Nipple Atop Bailey Hall

Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

Krispy Kreme Surpasses SAFC as Main Body Responsible for Funding Clubs