SUDBURY, ONTARIO—When Miles Anderson’s estranged great-aunt died earlier this month, he didn’t think much of it. But a $100,000 check from her estate opened a world of possibilities for the young man. “When I got the letter, I was like, ‘Hell yeah, a hundred grand,’” Anderson said. “I thought about buying a cool car or…
PI DELTA PI FRATERNITY—Continuing his annual forty-year-long tradition, John Cohen ‘78 returned to Cornell this past weekend to skip the Homecoming football game and drink until he passed out. Cohen began his participation in Saturday’s festivities by waking up at 7am to shotgun three beers, just as he had done every Homecoming since his freshman…
DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes. “We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi wrote in his most recent…
ITHACA, NY-Although Martin Scorsese’s blockbuster The Wolf of Wall Street came out just weeks ago, students are already demanding more classes that will jumpstart their career aspirations of emulating the lifestyle of Jordan Belfort, protagonist of the film. Cornell has already responded to student’s demands, and has started creating classes that will be added to…
IVES HALL — Materializing in the third row of the lecture hall without the professor even noticing, ILR student and real-life ninja Brian Eriksson ’18 managed to sneak undetected into class twenty minutes late. “I didn’t even see him coming into the room, but he definitely wasn’t there for the first half of the lecture….
COLLEGETOWN—Generously showing solidarity with small businesses, student Max Eagen ‘21 proudly donated to the latest GoFundMe to save Collegetown’s original restaurants. He also has yet to repay his roommate for brunch. “At first I just thought he was short on cash, which is totally fine,” said roommate Daniel Nakamura ‘21. “But then I got a…
HO PLAZA—A. Cornellius III, a longtime Central Campus resident and Eastern Gray Squirrel, vehemently denied accusations that he was caught jeering and chittering derisively at students following the first round of prelims last week. “I just happen to be gathering nuts at a rate that’s not two standard deviations under the median,” he chirped. “Maybe…
ARTS QUAD – Although the first day of Spring is technically less than three weeks away, students are calling bullshit. “If it’s still freezing and snowing every third day, it’s not Spring. That’s horseshit,” explained senior Derrick Fontaine, who noted that any claim that Spring is closer than 6 weeks away is utter and complete…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—After taking several minutes to reach the front of the ice cream line at a busy dinner Sunday night, Sarah Weinberger ‘28 was forced to wait further as the patron in front of her took what experts are calling an “unjustifiably long” time to get his dessert. “It was terrible. He just kept…
After scrolling through the Instagram pages of all candidates, CU Nooz’s Editorial Team believes that no presidential candidate demonstrates the corruption and lack of respect necessary to fully represent the institutional values of this paper: power and relentless greed. Cornell stands at a precipice. We’re not sure why, or how to fix it, but the…
