BIOTECHNOLOGY BUILDING- Responding to claims that the student body and general public have a lack of insight into Cornell’s financial operations, President David Skorton told attendees of Monday’s Town Hall Meeting that the University will take steps toward greater financial translucency. “I understand that in an institution of our size, with a lot of red…
Huzzah! Fortunes have surely changed for little Henry Sackcloth ‘26, who after a lifetime of poverty has discovered himself to be the sole inheritor of an immense BRB fortune! Poor Sackcloth had lived out his Cornell education in deepest penury. His parents both having been taken from him at a young age by a tankard…
ITHACA, NY – Confusion and fear filled North Campus early this morning, when a fire started in Unit 1 of the all-girl’s dorm Balch Hall. Sources report that the cause of the fire, a mystery at first, is now being attributed to the ridiculous hotness of Balch babes. A creepy Ithaca fireman at the scene…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Cornell University prides itself on its vigorous commitment to the art of teaching and falsifying RateMyProfessor reviews, a dedication no less visible than in its insistence to let Professor Henry Fiske teach PHYS 2215 as a flipped classroom. Some students aren’t pleased by the teaching model, and much less pleased with Fiske himself. “He…
EAST AVENUE — Worn-out after showing dozens of people around campus all day, tour guide Arthur Chase ’18 was exhausted, and just decided to make his last group of the day walk backwards instead. “Hey, everybody, my legs are killing me, so I’m just going to have you all turn around and we’ll start the…
October the 14th Today was a cruel day. I was dutifully making my way across Campus Road, soon to be greeted by a delectable submarine sandwich from Mattin’s Cafe, when I found myself viciously hoodwinked by a local ne’er-do-well. As I reached the end of the crosswalk, the Duffield doors called out to me, summoning…
Fall semester is starting soon! Here’s what you can expect coming to college for the very first day: You will meet a lot of happy, well-adjusted people, but don’t worry! Over time you will learn to see through the ruse. Moving into your dorm will be a struggle, so give up and move back home….
DAY HALL—Shortly after vetoing the University Assembly Codes and Judicial Committee’s recommended changes to the Student Code of Conduct, Martha Pollack explained her rationale, admitting she had no idea what a “bifurcated system of evidentiary standards” was. “I’m the President of Cornell, and that means I’m very smart. Therefore, if I don’t understand something it…
WILLARD STRAIGHT THE HALL — Chance the Rapper will perform at this year’s Slope Day concert, announced Slope Day Programming Board the Committee, along with Magic! the Reggae Fusion Band as the opening act. The decision has been generally well-received by students of Cornell the University, who will attend Slope Day on May 7, 2015…
OLIN LIBRARY—Jess Maza ‘23’s run in with a first semester class acquaintance this Friday spiralled into a conversational disaster when a brief recap of winter break started to look like an in-depth discussion of the acquaintance’s new sorority. Maza should have realized what was happening after Michelle Clark ‘23 removed her jacket revealing a long…
