Collegetown Landlord Replaces Broken Dryer with “New” Half-Broken Dryer
COLLEGETOWN—In an act of generosity that has been deemed “his literal one job” and “below the bare minimum,” one landlord has responded to a report of a broken dryer by installing a completely new broken dryer. “Look, there are two main functions of a dryer,” local landlord Jimmy Hilton ‘96 explained. “The first important function…
Cornell Outdoor Education Lends Tents, Tarps to Admitted Students
BARTELS HALL—Amidst an on campus housing crisis, the university administration has seemingly been living on a prayer that someone else will bail them out of their own gross miscalculation. Though the departments of Human Development, Engineering, and even Architecture have remained entirely unhelpful, Cornell Outdoor Education has managed to field enough tents to “house” the…
OP-ED: So-Called “Perfect Match” Won’t Even Let Me Touch Her Feet
With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet. While there was a lot of big talk about the cutting-edge formula…
OP-ED: Love Triangle? Pentagon? I’m in a Love Dot
MALOTT HALL—Last week, I briefly overheard Stacy and Emily talking about their floundering love lives between bites of food at Trill. Stacy lamented that Liam from her discussion section has a thing for her, even though Stacy is actually crushing on Rachel from that same section, who is also in love with Liam. Tragic! And…
“I’m Just Going to Close My Eyes For A Bit,” Says 81-Year-Old Professor About to Die in Front of Entire 8 AM Lecture
ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture. “It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see is pretty tragic,” claimed Alicia…
Bill of Rights Battle: ROTC Hookup Requests to Stay the Night in Gov Major’s Dorm
TONI MORRISON HALL—Despite the ongoing Friday night festivities, Freshmen Jackson Avery ’27 and Annabelle Warner ’27 remained locked in a stand-off. Avery, a private in the small militia known as Cornell ROTC, broke the post hookup haze by demanding that Warner’s room be the quarters where he and his musket lay to rest that night….
1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament Round III
Click here for larger bracket CU Nooz is proud to announce the 1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! We’re down to 16 undergraduate majors battling it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…
Arts & Sciences Dean Dissuades Students From Affiliating With New Reverse Psychology Major
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In a beginning-of-the-semester email sent out to students this week, Arts & Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana strongly cautioned against affiliating with the college’s new reverse psychology major. “This major is only for mature, grown-up students that want to work hard, but you all little 13th and 14th graders couldn’t handle all those big-boy…
Valentine’s Day Fun? I’m Crying at Golden Corral
GOLDEN CORRAL– This Tuesday, senior Mosby Singer sat alone in Golden Corral’s All-You-Can-Eat-Restaurant-And-Grill (just a short hour and a half ride to the nearest location in Syracuse), nibbling on a “golden delicious shrimp” and crying his eyes out. “I can’t believe I’m alone on Valentine’s Day,” sobbed Singer, seemingly completely unaware that he chose to…