SCHWARTZ CENTER—Bidding a tearful goodbye to his mother and father, Harry Landry ‘17 shipped out for his final call in Upstate New York vineyards. “I knew what I was signing up for when I was recruited during rush week freshman year,” said Landry as he took one last look at his family. “It’s my duty…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Citing the immense cliffhangers and high stakes in the wake of last season, the entire Medieval Studies department is going absolutely fucking mental for the Game of Thrones season 8 premiere. Omar Alberen ‘20, a Medieval Studies major, has been in full Night’s Watch regalia for weeks and expects this season to be…
NORTH CAMPUS—Cornellians are privileged to have access to such a wide variety of unique opportunities, and new students are always eager to take advantage of the multitude of offerings. Many freshmen have already forged new friendships through the abundance of extracurriculars that this university provides. Tragically, the dream college life has not materialized for one…
ITHACA, NY – In an action that has confused friends and family alike, Student Assembly vice president Sarah Balik has begun reasoning all of her thoughts out loud, often employing obscure metaphors. “The thing about swine is that they always seem to love the muck they live in. Why wouldn’t they? It’s all they know….
DAY HALL – After a night of intense partying, President Elizabeth Garrett woke up this morning with both a massive hangover and immense regret from drunkenly ordering a new academic building to be constructed on campus. “I don’t even remember buying a new building, but I got an email confirmation that I did at 2:30AM…
HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94. In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, it is an excellent time…
So funding for Cornell Cinema is up in the air. I’m sure we’re all a little sad that we might not get to watch our favorite arthouse classics week after week if the Student Assembly and Administration don’t work out the funding, but hey, if worse comes to worst, now that Cornell’s biggest film viewing…
STEWART AVE—Friendsgiving is always a trying time for friend groups with slightly incompetent friends. After all, trusting total strangers to prepare food is worrisome enough, but trusting your idiot friends is a whole other worry entirely. This Friendsgiving, one friend group in particular, faced newfound terrors as their most literal friend, Emily A. Bedelia ‘26,…
This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match…
HIGH RISE 5—Despite the limited number of West Campus housing spots, total dumbass David Iyer ‘21 actually believed he had a shot at becoming one of the few upperclassmen to live on West Campus next year in the 2019-2020 housing lottery. “I mean, I know Cornell’s a really big school,” said Iyer, a complete fuckwit….
