WEST CAMPUS—Local arsonist Tim Martin ‘25 was flummoxed to discover a collection of women’s profiles in his Perfect Match results rather than kindling equipment this week. Though he kept an open mind throughout the process, Martin ultimately felt that his matches were not what he was looking for. “Unlike a typical match, these women did…
BAKER LABORATORY—“It’s ALIVE! It’s ALLLIVVVEEE!” echoed throughout the halls of Baker Lab Wednesday morning as Cornell Republicans celebrated their one and only victory this week. “As Republicans, inclusion is really important to us,” explained Cornell Republican President Benjamin Bigot ‘24. “I should clarify: the optics of inclusion are important to us. Actually spending time with…
There are two things in this world I love: drinking a nice pint of Guinness and giving the bird to the Republic of Ireland. So, when a friend of mine informed me that every time I slam back a brewski in a plastic four-leaf clover glass today I am disrespecting Irish culture, I did a…
MORRISON DINING—Elite soldiers from the U.S. Army’s Delta Force captured an unknown quantity of oils, sauces, and udon noodles in a daring pre-dawn raid on Morrison Dining’s West Side Grill Wednesday morning. Shortly before 9:00 a.m., President Trump posted a picture of the seized foodstuffs on Truth Social. This official acknowledgement of American military action…
DAY HALL—In a Friday morning press conference, University President Martha Pollack addressed the student body to reaffirm that the intended purpose of Fall Break is for students to go back home to get a haircut. “I’ve overheard students discussing plans to take trips to Montréal, visit friends at other colleges, or stay on campus to…
Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it provides free access to period…
ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY – Following a wonderful, chemistry-filled conversation over Mongolian stir-fry and chicken bacon ranch pizza, the mood between Lance Becker ‘20 and Sarah Burr ‘20 was reportedly killed Tuesday night when the guy behind the pasta counter reminded them the dining hall would be closing at 9:00 p.m. “Everything was going well…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— Last Friday, freshman Andre Potter grew alarmed during his FWS class’s Two Truths and A Lie icebreaker when he realized the murderous subtext of his classmate Mason McKay’s ‘25 answers. “At first, I kind of felt bad for the guy when his first answer was that he took a gap year after…
SIBLEY HALL—Much to the chagrin of Cornell’s artistic, architectural and alternative communities, Green Dragon Cafe has closed for the semester due to renovations to Sibley Hall. The cafe, located at the north end of the Arts Quad, has long served as a vibes marketplace and popular hangout spot for some of the university’s chillest students….
COLLEGETOWN—While discussing spring break plans with friend and noted wealthy person Martin Elias ‘24, Maia Robertson ‘23 noted a striking semblance between the former’s lengthy list of tropical destinations and the set of Caribbean islands referenced in The Beach Boys’ 1988 #1 hit “Kokomo.” “He mentioned Aruba, and I thought, ‘okay, that’s pretty conventional for…
