MALOTT HALL — Everyone seems to think Professor Strogatz teaches differential equations phenomenally, so someone please tell me why I’ve spent the last three hours trying to convert two fifths into decimal format? I’m convinced Strogatz doesn’t even have the proper credentials to teach at an institution like Cornell. He boasted about how he learned…
TRENTON, NJ-Amidst public outrage by Ithaca residents over the closing of East Avenue, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has publicly come out in support of the “construction” project. “Sometimes, a government or administrative body needs to use alternative means to teach it’s constituency a lesson. The most effective way to do so are through graft, bullying…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the wake of horrendous hate crimes committed against Asian-American women, Cornell University Administration has reiterated its commitment to improving as an anti-racist institution, as long as they don’t have to focus on fixing more than one thing at a time. “Last May, in the wake of widespread protests, we put out a…
BURBANK, CA — After a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, Cornellians everywhere will be cozying up in front of their televisions tonight to watch the world premiere of the holiday special “A Very Cornell Christmas,” on ABC at 9:00 PM EST. The story of “A Very Cornell Christmas” centers around a little elf named Jingle Ivytrifle,…
DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – Monday, in one of her weekly emails to the student body, Denise Cassaro reminded students that the semester, as well as their youth, is already half-over. “Wow!” remarked Cassaro in her signature multi-color newsletter. “I can’t believe it! It feels like the semester just began! In just a few weeks you…
ITHACA COMMONS—Following this weekend’s tremendously successful Applefest, city officials are looking forward to similar turnout for next weekend’s onion-themed festivities. Concessions will include “onion cider, onion mac and cheese, onion sauce, onion donuts, and sweet, sweet onion pies!” according to Brandon Wiseman, chairperson of the New York State Onion Association. The association stepped up to…
IVES HALL—Amid the aftermath of the administration’s decision to discontinue its contract with Starbucks, cheers cascaded through Ives Hall as labor organizers and union supporters alike celebrated the decision. Among the gleeful shouts, Jack Stowe’s cheers rang the loudest. “We did it!” exclaimed Stowe. “The credit for such an achievement goes out to the entire…
URIS LIBRARY– Sasha Wilken ‘24 is truly embracing the aesthetics of dark academia by donning a tweed blazer while she sobs over her 324 pages of reading due Friday. “I’ve always loved looking at dark academia fashion and pictures on pinterest, but now that I have no time to do that, I have found a…
ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…
