COLLEGETOWN— In an unexpected turn of events, seniors Lara Murphy ‘21 and Janet Barr ‘21 finally met up for lunch after two years of half-heartedly ending their random encounters with,“We should get lunch sometime!” “At this point, I never really expected it to happen,” said an incredulous Barr. “We had an FWS together freshman year,…
Click to see enlarged bracket Vote here! March Madness may be over, but the 2nd annual Major Cornell Major Tournament is still wrapping up and BOY oh BOY, ain’t it toasty up in here?! Vote to crown this year’s majorly most major Cornell major. This round ends Thursday at 11:59PM, winner announced Friday. May the…
Click to see enlarged bracket. Vote here! It’s time for the Sweet 16! This tournament is getting down to the wire—vote to make sure your favorite majors get to the Elite 8!
ITHACA, NY — Witnesses report hearing Mac Davis, a Freshman who will eat nothing but cold hot dogs in two years’ time, complain about the quality of food at the Appel Dining Hall. “Everything’s just so boring,” Davis said, “They have the same dishes, like, every week. Blah.” Davis resigned himself to making a “totally…
FRANK MORRISON HALL—Animal Science Professor Dr. Cleetus Conroy came under fire from campus critics this week after the revelation that his long standing relationship with one of the lab’s research cows began when she was only a calf. While many had looked fondly upon the human-cattle couple, this new discovery has ignited a hotbed of…
COLLEGETOWN—Totally oblivious to the growing pool of murky rainwater by the sidewalk, dozens gathered at a bus stop to avoid walking home. Just as the puddle’s coverage approached the optimal splash radius, a TCAT drove straight through it at full speed, dousing everyone with soaking leaf mulch anyway. “I swear I was hydroplaning,” explained route…
ITHACA, NY – An new report has confirmed that nearly every single person on campus is playing the online number matching game, 2048, in an effort to experience a sweet escape from their daily lives. Productivity has ground to a halt as students and faculty alike continue to slide orange bricks across pleasantly animated four-by-four…
HIGHLAND ROAD—Happy Halloween! As is tradition, Cornell’s various fraternities have found themselves gearing up for a weekend of spooky costumes, ghoulishly cheap beer and raucous festivities. In their estimation, those frats that throw the most legendary Halloweekend parties will be rewarded with an influx of eager pledges. However, the forward-thinking young men at Phi Omega…
WEST CAMPUS—Bernard Lee ‘23 recently spent eleven hours writing a negative evaluation of his COML 2050: Contemporary Young Adult Fiction class, more time than he had cumulatively spent on all the class’ assignments. “The professor once wrote ‘not enough details’ on one of my essays, so I sure proved him wrong with this course evaluation.”…
NORTH CAMPUS—In a bewildering display of competency on its construction sites, Cornell’s very own incomprehensible labyrinth has begun to take shape in the center of North Campus. While the creation of the impossible structure has been detrimental to student’s sleep schedules, with some freshmen complaining of ominous chanting and bulldozer noises at three in the…
