Ithaca, NY — In an unexpected decision, for the first time ever, the Freemasons will be recruiting members at Cornell’s club fest this fall! The centuries-old secret society says it hopes to provide a fun, safe atmosphere for discussions related to history, philosophy and religion. “Those of able body and mind, we ask of thee….do…
In a noble effort to be inclusive of individuals from a wide range of backgrounds, the Cornell Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives is beginning to support students who identify as members of the campus hookup culture. “Our mission is to include all underrepresented minorities and have students from different heritages excel,” said a spokesman from…
Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun BARTON HALL—After a turbulent runway performance from the Cornell Fashion Collective’s talented designers, local Ithaca nudist Trevor Climpman found himself having a change of heart about his decision to abandon all forms of clothing. “The outfits were just so beautiful that it made me want to not have my…
WARREN HALL—Dyson student and absolute shithead Peter Hendrik ‘24, known to fellow students in AEM 1056 as “the Guy who’s really unfucking funny”, was quick to express his enjoyment of Elon Musk’s turn as host of the past weekend’s Saturday Night Live during the class’s penultimate Zoom lecture this Monday. “Holy shit guys. I had…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Students stopping to use Willard Straight’s bathroom facilities Saturday confirmed that their routines were interrupted by speculation over the building’s antique condom dispensers, which could only be the last remnants of the building’s former 24/7 orgy. “Imagine… a time when noses weren’t the only orifice being pounded. A time when ‘business casual’ included…
ITHACA, NY — Numerous students across campus reported being really psyched over the prospect of “exploring” New York City, literally one of the most visited places in the world, over fall break. “New York City is a soul-sucking dementor of a place. It always smells of garbage, the subway stations are covered in a thick…
COLLEGE AVENUE — According to a drunken report recently released by Adam Maxwell ’18, this pizza is fucking amazing. The report was released after Maxwell participated in several hours of partying, where he theorized that a meat lovers, pineapple, and red onion slice of pizza would be “fucking dope right now.” “This shit is incredible,”…
ITHACA- Saying that it was a “bad mistake,” university founder Ezra Cornell admitted today to screwing up the college motto that has been used at Cornell University for the past 150 years. “It was just a slip of the tongue, really. ‘I would found an institution’? Who says that?” said an embarrassed Cornell, who had…
Thanksgiving Break is often a stressful time full of personality clashes and ideological disagreements. Here are CU Nooz’s tips for surviving! Offer to breed, raise, slaughter, clean, and roast the turkey to avoid spending time with distant cousins. Communicate only through memes to show your great aunt that your thoughts and feelings are in fact…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Key figures in the Cornell athletic department were stunned when zero Cornelians were selected in this week’s NFL draft, their first such omission in the 365 days since last years’ draft.. “When I think of Cornell, I think of a historic football powerhouse,” said Coach David Archer ‘05. “For this program not to have…
