ARTS QUAD – Although the first day of Spring is technically less than three weeks away, students are calling bullshit. “If it’s still freezing and snowing every third day, it’s not Spring. That’s horseshit,” explained senior Derrick Fontaine, who noted that any claim that Spring is closer than 6 weeks away is utter and complete…
STEWART AVENUE PARKING LOT- Cornell’s fourth annual heroin scavenger hunt was ruined last Monday after spoil sport police officers confiscated the heroin from festival organizer Roshane Henry before he and his team had the chance to hide the remaining 250 packets of heroin. “My ten year old loves the scavenger hunt. Last year she found…
SHOPS AT ITHACA MALL- Mayor Svante Myrick visited Target with his mother this afternoon to buy Valentine’s Day cards for every resident in the City of Ithaca. “Look, mom! Frozen!” said Myrick, pointing at the box of Frozen themed cards in Target’s Valentine’s Day aisle. Myrick added that “everyone in [his] city loves Frozen” and…
ITHACA COMMONS — Completion of the Ithaca Commons development has been delayed until early 2015 in order to give Mayor Svante Myrick enough time to find the toy truck that he lost there last weekend. They mayor was reportedly playing on the construction site with the toy truck, while making pretend that it was a…
COLLEGETOWN — It was learned today that favorite local late-night dessert establishment Insomnia Cookies will be closing in the upcoming months, and will eventually be replaced by a new business called Paranoia Undercooked Meats. “We here at Paranoia Undercooked Meats understand that Insomnia Cookies has been a staple among hungry students looking for a late-night…
Ithaca, N.Y.— Ominous Black clouds hung over Ithaca this Monday as the Cascadilla Gorge trail was re-opened. The trail, which cuts through college town, was closed six years ago under mysterious circumstances. Many members of the Ithaca community expressed outrage over the re-opening. “Six years ago an unspeakable evil ravaged this land,” bellowed Ithaca resident…
CAYUGA MEDICAL CENTER – Late last night, Cayuga Medical Center announced the tragic news that Cornell alumnus of the Class of ’40 and well-known philanthropist John Henry Highrise V passed away after a long battle with serious illness. Highrise V will be best remembered by his donations that made possible the construction of the North…
ITHACA — Cornell Facilities Services has announced that construction of the Klarman Hole is on track and scheduled for completion by December of 2015. The new hole will be located adjacent to Goldwin Smith Hall on the East Avenue side, where it shall serve as Cornell’s “Hole for the Humanities.” This concept, as detailed by…
By Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner Howdy partner! I didn’t see you wander into town. Nice day for it though…mighty nice day. Whelp, since you’re new here I figured I’d introduce myself and let you know that I’m the sheriff ‘round these parts. No cause for alarm, stranger! If you don’t start any trouble we…
ITHACA- Around 11:29 a.m. Monday, Mayor Svante Myrick stepped on a Lego brick and proceeded to scream “Fudge!” at the top of his lungs while cradling his foot. The incident occurred while the mayor was jumping from couch to couch in his office and waving a cardboard sword. The brick in question is thought to…
