CASCADILLA GORGE – In heartwarming news, the Colleges Against Cancer Club is reporting that “No Cave November” has been an astounding success, with 99% of Cornellians refusing to enter caves, caverns, and other subterranean ares since the beginning of the month. “When we began planning the initiative we didn’t know what to expect,” says cancer…
DAY HALL — Cornell announced early Monday morning that yesterday would be the last Sunday for the academic year. “We conducted a large-scale study of how students worked during the course of a week and we discovered that Sunday was the leader in a number of concerning categories,” said April May, the chair of Cornell’s…
URIS HALL — Over 24 confused alumni rallied together Sunday night for an anti-war demonstration in light of the U.S. government’s involvement in Vietnam. “Our classmates did not die face down in the mud just for us to give up the protest,” retorted dissident Brendan Arendt ‘74 while burning his draft card. “We can’t give…
MILSTEIN HALL- In a statement released last Tuesday, the Architecture and History departments announced that they are coming together to offer a new class this spring titled “History of Campus Construction.” “We wanted to offer a class that was unique to Cornell, and we felt that this class truly exemplifies the mission of our slowly…
ITHACA, NY — Witnesses report hearing Mac Davis, a Freshman who will eat nothing but cold hot dogs in two years’ time, complain about the quality of food at the Appel Dining Hall. “Everything’s just so boring,” Davis said, “They have the same dishes, like, every week. Blah.” Davis resigned himself to making a “totally…
DAY HALL- Many are speculating that the three high-level administrators (President David Skorton, Vice President for Student and Academic Services Susan Murphy, and Provost Kent Fuchs) that have announced that they are leaving the University this year probably know a deep, dark secret about the future of Cornell that the rest of us don’t. “This…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE — According to residents of Flora Rose House, sophomore Allison Galder took a quick break from watching Netflix to study. “She had been lying on her bed watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ nonstop for 4 hours,” reported Galder’s roommate, “It was great to see her take a break and unwind a little bit by…
BEEBE LAKE—The survival of Cornell’s Club Surfing team is in jeopardy this season as it looks to replace its captain and sole member, Blake Stolar (CALS ‘14). Stolar lead the Soggy Bears to the wildly celebrated completion of two seasons his junior and senior year, with records of 0-6 and 1-5 respectively, before he graduated…
SCHOELLKOPF —With thousands of students and alumni on campus to celebrate Homecoming weekend, football fans were disappointed on Saturday as Cornell was defeated 31-14 by musicians Grace Potter and Icona Pop. “I’m very proud of my boys, but we all knew it was going to be rough going up against an indie singer and a…
WITHIN 10FT OF DAY HALL — “Yeah, you know, I just don’t really care anymore,” said David Skorton as he lit the cigarette he kept behind his ear within ten feet of an air vent intake. “What can I say, I’m a pretty dangerous guy.” This incident is the most recent in a string of…
