MILSTEIN HALL- In a statement released last Tuesday, the Architecture and History departments announced that they are coming together to offer a new class this spring titled “History of Campus Construction.” “We wanted to offer a class that was unique to Cornell, and we felt that this class truly exemplifies the mission of our slowly…
ITHACA, NY — Witnesses report hearing Mac Davis, a Freshman who will eat nothing but cold hot dogs in two years’ time, complain about the quality of food at the Appel Dining Hall. “Everything’s just so boring,” Davis said, “They have the same dishes, like, every week. Blah.” Davis resigned himself to making a “totally…
DAY HALL- Many are speculating that the three high-level administrators (President David Skorton, Vice President for Student and Academic Services Susan Murphy, and Provost Kent Fuchs) that have announced that they are leaving the University this year probably know a deep, dark secret about the future of Cornell that the rest of us don’t. “This…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE — According to residents of Flora Rose House, sophomore Allison Galder took a quick break from watching Netflix to study. “She had been lying on her bed watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ nonstop for 4 hours,” reported Galder’s roommate, “It was great to see her take a break and unwind a little bit by…
BEEBE LAKE—The survival of Cornell’s Club Surfing team is in jeopardy this season as it looks to replace its captain and sole member, Blake Stolar (CALS ‘14). Stolar lead the Soggy Bears to the wildly celebrated completion of two seasons his junior and senior year, with records of 0-6 and 1-5 respectively, before he graduated…
SCHOELLKOPF —With thousands of students and alumni on campus to celebrate Homecoming weekend, football fans were disappointed on Saturday as Cornell was defeated 31-14 by musicians Grace Potter and Icona Pop. “I’m very proud of my boys, but we all knew it was going to be rough going up against an indie singer and a…
WITHIN 10FT OF DAY HALL — “Yeah, you know, I just don’t really care anymore,” said David Skorton as he lit the cigarette he kept behind his ear within ten feet of an air vent intake. “What can I say, I’m a pretty dangerous guy.” This incident is the most recent in a string of…
ITHACA, NY — Numerous students across campus reported being really psyched over the prospect of “exploring” New York City, literally one of the most visited places in the world, over fall break. “New York City is a soul-sucking dementor of a place. It always smells of garbage, the subway stations are covered in a thick…
DONLON — In what RA’s across campus are calling “The Donlon Miracle,” a potential fire was narrowly averted when building inspectors discovered a poster exactly 19 inches from the ceiling. Equipped with protractors and tape measures, building inspectors entered 4551 Donlon Hall at around 10:30 Monday morning and quickly noticed a cat poster perched dangerously…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – Monday, in one of her weekly emails to the student body, Denise Cassaro reminded students that the semester, as well as their youth, is already half-over. “Wow!” remarked Cassaro in her signature multi-color newsletter. “I can’t believe it! It feels like the semester just began! In just a few weeks you…
