NORTH CAMPUS — The gigantic icicle just outside your dorm has been waiting there for the past few weeks. Gaining strength. Waiting just for you. For the perfect moment to strike. “You have to stop worrying about that icicle,” warns your roommate, but you can’t stop thinking about its ominous presence outside your window. Its…
ARTS QUAD – Although the first day of Spring is technically less than three weeks away, students are calling bullshit. “If it’s still freezing and snowing every third day, it’s not Spring. That’s horseshit,” explained senior Derrick Fontaine, who noted that any claim that Spring is closer than 6 weeks away is utter and complete…
THE HEAVENS – As Cornell struggles through one of the coldest stretches in recent memory, local reports indicate that even the Lord Almighty himself is wondering when this intolerable weather will let up. “It feels like it’s been under 10 degrees this whole semester, and classes haven’t even been canceled yet? I mean what are…
NORTH CAMPUS – A somber mood has struck the Cornell campus today as student IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet has been reported as missing. Local authorities have been asking members of the surrounding community if they’ve seen Ms. Whosthebestlittleontheplanet, who was last seen on Facebook two days ago but has never been seen in person. Based on her…
DAY HALL — President Skorton was surprised Monday to discover dozens of small children sitting in Day Hall joining the protest of Cornell’s newly-instituted health fee. The grumpy five- and six-year-olds stood alongside their articulate, college-age peers at the organized occupation of the University’s administrative offices to have their shrill voices heard. “I anticipated some…
URIS LIBRARY — Uris Library has angrily clarified today that “under no circumstances are cocktails to be consumed in the Uris Cocktail Lounge,” confusing a large number of students. “You are not allowed to drink alcohol in Uris Library and attempts to do so will be dealt with accordingly,” explained the Library spokesperson in spite…
HO PLAZA — Senior Nathaniel Morrison will never have to pay the new Student Healthcare Fee, but nonetheless indicated today that he would be “down to riot.” Last Thursday night, President Skorton introduced a new $350 health care fee for students not on the Student Health Insurance Plan (SHIP) designed to improve access to Gannett…
TEAGLE HALL — Cornell Junior Evan Moore was diagnosed earlier this week to have athlete’s foot, specifically that of Craig Jones, a Senior forward for the Big Red Men’s Basketball team. How Moore acquired the foot is unknown, but CUPD estimates that was originally stolen from Jones’ Collegetown apartment early Monday morning. The foot appeared…
ITHACA — Thousands of Cornell students returned to campus this week to begin their Spring semester classes and to rekindle their undying impatience for a recess from school. After the month-long Winter break, students are feeling reinvigorated for the new semester’s soul-sucking agony between periods of academic inactivity. “It’s great to be back on campus!”…
Kenneth Post Greenhouse — In response to inquiries of a suspicious rotting smell that was emanating from one of Cornell’s many greenhouses last week, Cornell botanists have said that was definitely caused the corpse plant and not anything nefarious or illegal. “Haha, what? Why are you even asking?” Plant Biology professor Melinda Luckow asked with…
