COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—Let me begin by establishing that I’m normally extremely easygoing. A friend is running late to a meetup? I understand. Got rejected from my dream job? Things happen. Nothing, however, has tested my patience as much as those buzzy little shits that refuse to stay away from my latest CTB California Sunshine bagel. I’m…
PEPSICO AUDITORIUM– In an attempt to encourage healthy on campus living habits, Cornell Dining, Cornell Health, and the Cornell Department of Nutritional Sciences have released a food guide recommending that students consume 12 servings of PepsiCo products every day. “Many young adults find out that college is the time to start thinking about what you…
THE COMMONS—After he saw 20-minutes lines for Apple Fest-goers to pay $2 for a single apple cider donut made by members of a local Amish community this past weekend, owner of local restaurant Waffle Frolic Johnny Clotter was observed putting on an Amish-style bonnet in hopes that the aesthetic would bring him more business. “The…
Collegetown is one of the biggest perks of spending 4 years above Cayuga’s Waters, offering incredibly diverse culinary experiences. We sent a writer out to determine, once and for all, which eatery is the true champion of the hungry student. CTB: Absolute let down. I was so excited to try the place EVERYONE talks about,…
COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway. “I’m so proud to continue…
JANSEN’S MARKET — Onlookers in Noyes came to the conclusion earlier this afternoon that the entire cheesecake staring at them from the lonely refrigerated display wasn’t going to eat itself after all. “One thing’s for certain: that scrumptious-looking dessert has no capacity for autophagy and no one else in this line has the guts to…
STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with. “It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who…
HO PLAZA, BASE OF OPERATIONS – The Ithaca sector of the Girl Scouts of America have entered the next phase of their campus infiltration, as dozens of six-year-olds and their parents enforce their confection-based fascist agenda outside of Willard Straight Hall. “These freethinkers will pay for not accepting our cookies as mandated by the constitution…
