ROCHESTER – Derrick Crowley, Class of 2019, is currently attempting to figure out the best way to tell his fellow freshman of that one night of underage drinking during his final year of high school. Crowley believes that his crazy and meticulously practiced story will gain him social credibility and immediately garner friends during O-Week….
RPCC- Senior Jessica Parker got together with her friends from her former Low Rise 6 unit for dinner at Robert Purcell Community Center this past weekend after no longer being able to tolerate her other friends. “It’s great to see these guys. It’s been way too long,” described the nostalgic civil engineer, who over time…
After months of anticipation, the University finally announced decisions for the undergraduate Class of 2019. Here are the official admissions statistics of those lucky 15% that were accepted: 1st – 21st generation college student: 100% Admissions Department Favorite Student: Jared Middle 50% of admitted students scored between 90 and 95 Of Football recruits, those who…
GANNETT—Cornell Health Services has been overwhelmed by a sudden outbreak of the X Disease. Over the past week, a steady increase of students, particularly those involved in the Greek system, have been affected by this contagious wave of hand-rashes. The common name for this disease derives from the defining shape of the rash, yet the…
ZETA IOTA TAU SORORITY — Sorority Big Joan Kleinberg ’17 realized today that her Little is much bigger than she is. The Little, Emma Yang ’18, is considerably bigger than her Big, mainly owing to the fact that her Big is quite little. “It just occurred to me that she’s gigantic!” exclaimed the small Big,…
NORTH CAMPUS – A somber mood has struck the Cornell campus today as student IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet has been reported as missing. Local authorities have been asking members of the surrounding community if they’ve seen Ms. Whosthebestlittleontheplanet, who was last seen on Facebook two days ago but has never been seen in person. Based on her…
DONLON – Kyle Kirkland (Engineering ‘16) has decided to air his grievances with the University after he was assigned the NetID “kkk666.” Kirkland explained, “My middle name is Kevin because my parents like alliteration. I’m not a racist. Also, I don’t worship Satan. Honestly, I’m not really sure what having the ID ‘kkk666’ makes me…
MARY DONLON HALL—While the vast majority of students visited home over Thanksgiving Break, reports confirm that Brian O’Connor (ILR ’18) had a great time staying in his quiet, lonely dorm the past five days. “It probably would’ve been really really nice spend time with my parents, or my dog, or my girlfriend of three years….
BAUER — Sources are indicating that Jacob Lifflander ’18 spent a considerable amount of time and money this weekend convincing his parents that he has been drinking and partying often while away at college. “I don’t want them to think their tuition money is going to waste,” explained the studious biology major while removing his latest…
MEWS– Freshman Geoffrey Dorman is excited to take part in many college social activities but is reported to have said that he will try pot “just this once.” “I’m not going to make it a habit,” said Dorman of the drug he will eventually smoke twice daily and spend hundreds of dollars a week on….
