COLLEGETOWN — Citing the steady stream of misfortunes that have befallen him in his first three years at Cornell, Senior Larry Alexander estimates that he will probably have at least 30-40 good fuckups before graduating in May. “If the past three years have served as any indicator, I’m pretty sure I’ll have screwed myself over…
COLLEGETOWN – Following graduation and the departure of the majority of students from the Cornell campus, residents at 531 East State Street have been seen idly walking around their incredibly disgusting house, curious as to which person would be the first to start cleaning. “Our lease ends this weekend, and the house is pretty gross,…
SCHOELLKOPF — Recent classics major graduate Brenton Phan ’16 has reportedly been blissfully unaware that the break from his career path will be a lot longer than he expects it to be, as the gap-year he was planning on taking before going to graduate school will slowly turn into a gap-decade. “I feel like I…
CAYUGA LAKE — Founded on the desire of Ezra Cornell for all Cornellians to be able to swim, the university has made preparations to push all of the graduating seniors into Cayuga Lake as a final swim test on May 29th. “We understand that Cornell requires all students to take a swim test in an…
By a senior. Wow. Four years. Four years ago, I was an innocent and oblivious freshman, not knowing what college was going to be like and getting lost on the first day of class. I didn’t have a clue what I was getting myself into. And yet look how far I’ve come; in a few…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the news that her best friend Margaret Floyd ’16 had just received a job offer from Goldman Sachs, fellow senior Ellen Barr ’16 was observed to be in a panicked state as she hurried to find more friends who were similarly still unemployed for the following year. “Well Margaret just got a…
FALL CREEK GORGE — The Cornell Convocation Committee announced that actor and filmmaker James Franco will speak at the 2016 graduation ceremony as a consolation after he had been trapped in a gorge for 127 hours and rescued earlier today. “We thought it was horrible that Mr. Franco’s arm had been caught under a rock…
