Student Assembly

Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun

SA Elections Rocked by Controversy in Transparent Attempt to Emulate Real-Life Democracy

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy. In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied pointed accusations against the Assembly….

Cornell Suspends SAT/ACT Requirements for Students Who Want to Apply Without Getting In

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected. “We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT…

Campus Excited For Student Assembly To Become Irrelevant Again

Nooz Staff8 years ago8 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Yesterday’s announcement that Varun Devatha ‘19 will be the next Student Assembly president brought a tumultuous election cycle to an end, leaving students eager to return to the days of ignoring all news related to the Student Assembly. “First there was the whole Cornell Cinema debacle, and now this convoluted presidential election fiasco…

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Candidate Interrupts Couple’s Breakup to Ask for SA Election Vote

Nooz Staff8 years ago02 mins

LIBE CAFE— Desperate to reach more voters last-minute to clinch the SA Election this semester, Larold McLandham ’21 cheerfully approached a couple breaking up over coffee at Libe. “Hi, how are you folks doing today?” The oblivious candidate chirped, beaming his most charming smile on the future ex-couple’s distraught faces. “Would you two like to…

SA Election Frontrunner Prepared to Accomplish Absolutely Nothing

Nooz Staff8 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position. “I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential role,” stated the freshman. “I…

SA Candidate Takes Middle Urinal to Maximize Exposure to Voters

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL —In an effort to form as many meaningful relationships with his peers as possible, Xavier Thomas ‘19, who is running for Student Assembly Executive Undergraduate Vice Representative At-Large, unzipped his trousers and took the middle urinal in an effort to maximize voter exposure. “Hey man, what are your thoughts on healthcare quality…

OP-ED: I Voted ‘No’ to Free Tampons Because the Only Basic Right That Women Need Is Free Popcorn

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago04 mins

Today, voting closed on Student Assembly Referendum 30, which would allow free tampons and pads in campus bathrooms. Despite undeniable support from the female population at Cornell, I decided to vote no. With tuition rising by the day, it’s not Cornell’s job to give free handouts to it’s students, unless of course, they’re handing out…

Cornell Dairy Cows to Get Representative on Student Assembly

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT — In response to mounting calls for increased diversity on the Student Assembly, an open forum was hosted Wednesday to address the SA’s lack of bovine members from the Cornell Dairy. “I think it’s important that we have this discussion,” said At-Large Representative Jimmy Anderson ‘17, “The dairy cows are such an integral…

Ben Carson Mysteriously Appears on Student Assembly Ballot

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — After dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination, retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson inexplicably showed up on the Cornell Student Assembly ballot earlier today. “When I logged on to vote, I saw Ben Carson’s shining face staring at me,” said Alex Li ‘19. “I refreshed the page and tried to…

Candidate Profiles for the Student Assembly Election

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago04 mins

Freshmen Candidates: Dale Barbaria — Barbaria’s high school yearbook awarded this engineering student from New Rochelle the title “Most Likely To Be A Student Assembly Representative At Cornell University” Nelson Billington — From Washington D.C., Billington promises that, if elected Freshman Representative, he will use his new position to impress girls. Marissa…

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SA Elections Rocked by Controversy in Transparent Attempt to Emulate Real-Life Democracy

Cornell Suspends SAT/ACT Requirements for Students Who Want to Apply Without Getting In

Campus Excited For Student Assembly To Become Irrelevant Again

Candidate Interrupts Couple’s Breakup to Ask for SA Election Vote

SA Election Frontrunner Prepared to Accomplish Absolutely Nothing

SA Candidate Takes Middle Urinal to Maximize Exposure to Voters

OP-ED: I Voted ‘No’ to Free Tampons Because the Only Basic Right That Women Need Is Free Popcorn

Cornell Dairy Cows to Get Representative on Student Assembly

Ben Carson Mysteriously Appears on Student Assembly Ballot

Candidate Profiles for the Student Assembly Election