GANNETT — Today Gannett released the conclusions to a year-long, million dollar research project centered on reducing the amount of stress in students’ lives. “We recognize the stressful nature of students’ lives, and hope that these results will give students an idea of what a healthy lifestyle is,” reads the introduction to the 47-page report….
SHOPS AT ITHACA MALL- Mayor Svante Myrick visited Target with his mother this afternoon to buy Valentine’s Day cards for every resident in the City of Ithaca. “Look, mom! Frozen!” said Myrick, pointing at the box of Frozen themed cards in Target’s Valentine’s Day aisle. Myrick added that “everyone in [his] city loves Frozen” and…
DAY HALL — President Skorton was surprised Monday to discover dozens of small children sitting in Day Hall joining the protest of Cornell’s newly-instituted health fee. The grumpy five- and six-year-olds stood alongside their articulate, college-age peers at the organized occupation of the University’s administrative offices to have their shrill voices heard. “I anticipated some…
COLLEGETOWN- Bubble tea specialty drink chain Kung Fu Tea recently opened a franchise at 143 Dryden Road in Collegetown in hopes of cashing in on the hoards of bubble tea fans on the south side of Dryden between College Avenue and Eddy Street. “I can’t count the number of times I’ve been craving bubble tea…
COLLEGETOWN — After several months of research and careful consideration, you can safely say that your mother bears no resemblance whatsoever to your girlfriend. This breakthrough is a result of tireless effort on the part of your conscious mind, constantly evaluating your girlfriend’s features and actions to ensure that she bears no resemblance to the…
URIS LIBRARY — Uris Library has angrily clarified today that “under no circumstances are cocktails to be consumed in the Uris Cocktail Lounge,” confusing a large number of students. “You are not allowed to drink alcohol in Uris Library and attempts to do so will be dealt with accordingly,” explained the Library spokesperson in spite…
HO PLAZA — Senior Nathaniel Morrison will never have to pay the new Student Healthcare Fee, but nonetheless indicated today that he would be “down to riot.” Last Thursday night, President Skorton introduced a new $350 health care fee for students not on the Student Health Insurance Plan (SHIP) designed to improve access to Gannett…
Say, that’s a pretty nice immune system you’ve got there, isn’t it? It’d be a shame if… well if something happened to it. We wouldn’t want that, now would we? Look, I’m just saying that these things break all the time. People get sick is all. People get really, really sick. And you don’t want…
DONLON – Kyle Kirkland (Engineering ‘16) has decided to air his grievances with the University after he was assigned the NetID “kkk666.” Kirkland explained, “My middle name is Kevin because my parents like alliteration. I’m not a racist. Also, I don’t worship Satan. Honestly, I’m not really sure what having the ID ‘kkk666’ makes me…
CENTRAL – In a recent press conference, Ithacan wind patterns announced a recently launched initiative to blow snow directly into your face. Having made clear the great effort required to accomplish such a feat, the wind told campus officials that it would stop at nothing to ensure that all students get to experience the sting…
