Modern Day Lewis and Clark? Adventurous Student Embarks on Expedition to Olin Library

OLIN LIBRARY— Despite the abject horror of his roommates, self-proclaimed COVID-Scout William Yates ‘23 bravely and daringly trekked from his apartment in collegetown into the wilds of Olin Library. “When we were laying down the ground rules for our behavior this semester, we agreed to only to leave the apartment for booze, CTB runs, and…

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Pollack Won’t Commit to Peaceful Transition to Online Learning if Cuomo Declares Shutdown

DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit.  “Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases….

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OP-ED: How Can Cornell Provide Tampons for People Who Menstruate Without Providing Skateparks for People Who Shred Gnar?

Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which  began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it provides free access to period…

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Pollack Sends Draft of Campus-Wide Email to Admin Groupchat to Check “If It Looks Okay”

DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.” “It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I get this notification. It’s a…

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Overly Horny Freshman Dismayed Clubfest Zoom Table ‘Filled With Complete Uggos’

DONLON HALL— Jonathan Harley ‘24 went to ClubFest in pursuit of a grade A hottie, but unfortunately found himself at a table full of very below average looking individuals, “somewhere in the 3-5 range.” Harley came to college hoping to “bang a new chick every weekend.”After weeks of unsuccessfully syncing up OpenTable reservations and Zoom…

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