HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.” “How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense…
STEWART AVE—Soon to graduate Bryan Borren ‘22 experienced a matriculation meltdown yesterday while attempting to construct a new Instagram bio. After using “Cornell ‘22” for the last four and a half years, Borren found himself entirely unable to find a new 150 character combination that properly summarized his being. “I’m totally out of options,” explained…
WEST CAMPUS—After being swarmed with questions from friends as to why they missed the massive parties in South Beach last week, members of Pi Pi Delta fraternity explained that a booking error had sent them to party at Miami University of Ohio instead. “Fuck bro, shit happens sometimes” Brad Nolan ‘23 admitted. “I will acknowledge…
MILSTEIN HALL—Armed with SPF 3000, aviator sunglasses, and obnoxiously large hats, hordes of brave architecture students took to the streets with the product of 6 weeks of even less human contact than had they been under quarantine. “It burns!!” Daniel Thomas ‘23 cried as he ran to take shelter from the sun’s unforgiving rays under…
SCARSDALE, NY—Despite being a quintuple legacy of a world class university, recent admit and incoming freshman Warren Dansworth clearly could not get into a better school than this. Following several months of silence as his friends joyously announced acceptances to better schools, Dansworth was quick to share the news of his acceptance to Instagram, expressing…
For years, Cornell University has instituted reckless, unempathetic, totalitarian rule over its students. From old-school behavioral codes to more modern restrictions on dining plans and housing, every aspect of our lives are controlled by Martha’s cackling cabal of campus administrators. Yet one mandate has gone unprotested, undiscussed, and the sheeple refuse to address it in…
MALOTT HALL—In a passionate display of wishy-washy spinelessness, math professor Audrey Cook took the first twenty minutes of her morning lecture to plead with her students to really, really think about whether they should bother handing in their homework. “Listen, I know you all cheered last week when I said you didn’t have to do…
The chicken panini is set on the coffee table and I feel a weight sink down into the black faux leather beside me. This is a declaration of war.
Both beloved and hated, the online prelim represents the crosssection of two axioms all Cornell students know to be true: prelims fucking suck and everyone is cheating. Unique from other schools’ tawdry tests or even… exams, prelims are the true inquisition into the twenty-year-old student’s (who is intelligent but not too smart or they’d have…
BAKER HALL—Students in CHEM 3090: Inorganic Compounds were left cowering in fear this Tuesday as their instructor achieved apotheosis at the close of Cornell’s drop period. According to witnesses, the class started as normal but quickly went off the rails when Dr. Frederica Jackson locked eyes with Samuel Weiss ‘22, who was attending his first…
