WASHINGTON D.C.—In an official statement from the White House this past Sunday, President Donald Trump completely denounced the consumption of pork, claiming he will “never eat a smidge of delicious, juicy, er–I mean DISGUSTING pork again.”
This puzzling move has been viewed by many as a publicity stunt, specifically for the purpose of impressing NYC Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani, whom he met at the White House last Friday. Trump was seen frequently giggling, twirling his hair, and blushing while in Mamdani’s presence. “Zohran Mamdani is a great, great guy. I mean the best,” Trump said, yearningly. “If only I had known him earlier, I would’ve loved to go on a nice, relaxing island vacation with him.”
President Trump’s personal ban on pork is seemingly extended to the entire Executive Branch. Upon seeing Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth eating a bacon cheeseburger, Trump accosted him, telling him he should be more like Zohran in a “leaked” video.
“You know pork, they call it ‘haram,’ over where Zohran’s from,” the President stated. “That means it isn’t good for you. You know I don’t like things that aren’t good for you. Absolutely not. Zohran, he’s a real smart guy, he doesn’t eat pork. Smart guys don’t eat pork.”
Trump has even said that his “Quiet, Piggy” comment directed at a reporter was actually a jab aimed at the animal. “I said that because I had started to think about pork, and I can’t have those thoughts in my mind,” the President said. “I was telling myself ‘quiet! No pork!’ Zohran wouldn’t be too happy with me if he found out I was thinking those things, and his opinion matters a lot to me these days.”
At press time, Trump also floated plans for free metro fare and city-owned grocery stores in D.C., which he hopes will motivate Mamdani to visit more often.
