SAINT PAUL, MN—Amid widespread backlash against an ICE agent’s killing of Alex Pretti in Minneapolis last week, top Minnesota Democratic officials addressed calls for action at a press conference Wednesday morning.
“In times of crisis, leaders need to be strong and clear,” said Governor Tim Walz. “So, I will talk directly to President Trump: my colleagues and I will not let ICE run wild on our streets. If you do not take action soon to protect the people of Minneapolis, we will have no choice but to demand you do so in the form of a moderately tasty fresh-fruit gift basket.”
Walz assured reporters that the basket would not contain higher-quality produce like pineapple, and only a minimal portion of the gift would be dipped in chocolate. “Minnesotans are not messing around. If President Trump continues to unleash state terror and extrajudicial executions on our streets, he will be forced to sort through layers of cheap, soggy cantaloupe and honeydew in search of however many chocolate-covered strawberries we choose to include. So watch your step, Mr. President.”
Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey then took the podium. “Remember when I told ICE to ‘get the fuck out of Minneapolis?’” he asked. “Well, I was serious. They better do it. And if they don’t, I’ll swear at them again. I don’t care how many people I upset—I am a fighter and I will continue to fight to protect our neighbors until the day the FCC decides to fine me for saying bad words on TV. Then, I’ll probably stop. But I’ll still be saying it on the inside—because I will never stop fighting for our city.”
Senator Amy Klobuchar later clarified the Edible Arrangement plan. “If ICE decides to murder someone again, we’re going to attach a very forceful card to the fruit basket and send it straight to the White House. The President will be forced to read it in order to enjoy the fruit. He will be forced to hear our voices and reckon with the chaos he’s caused as he nibbles the chocolate coating off a blueberry.”
At press time, Governor Walz’s office has confirmed they are in discussions with Edible Arrangements to increase the font size of the card to an unprecedented 24-point.
