Cornell Engineering Debuts ‘This Is What A David Duffield Looks Like’ Shirt

DUFFIELD HALL—Following a historic donation from David A. Duffield ’62, MBA ’64, the College of Engineering has edited the text of its iconic  “This Is What A Cornell Engineer Looks Like” to instead read “This Is What A David Duffield Looks Like.” The change, the College of Engineering says, will recognize Duffield for his enormous…

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Chuck Schumer Vows to Stand Up to Republicans Until It Time to Take Nap

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the fatal shootings of two Minneapolis residents by federal immigration agents this month, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has responded forcefully to public demands for action. “The administration’s behavior in Minneapolis is unacceptable,” he said at a press conference. “That is why Senate Democrats will be voting against DHS funding this week—unless,…

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Minnesota Democrats Vow to Send Trump Sternly-Worded Edible Arrangement Next Time ICE Murders One of Their Constituents

SAINT PAUL, MN—Amid widespread backlash against an ICE agent’s killing of Alex Pretti in Minneapolis last week, top Minnesota Democratic officials addressed calls for action at a press conference Wednesday morning. “In times of crisis, leaders need to be strong and clear,” said Governor Tim Walz. “So, I will talk directly to President Trump: my…

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College of Human Ecology to Remain Unnamed Despite Generous Donation from Adam Hitler ’73

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Last week, Cornell’s College of Human Ecology (CHE) announced it had received a “transformational” donation for the school’s “Vision 2030” initiative.  The donor, Adam Hitler ‘73, is a successful entrepreneur who graduated from the CHE. Despite his significant contribution, the college announced its name would not be changed to reflect the philanthropist’s…

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Social Climber Friendliest Guy at Lindseth

BARTELS HALL—Alexander Pope ‘28, a self-identified social climber, is turning heads at Lindseth Climbing Center with his friendly demeanor. “Climbing is better with buddies!” remarked the beaming sophomore transfer, dusting his chalky hands on a pair of well-worn sweatpants. “I’ve been climbing since the fourth grade, and the thing that always keeps me coming back…

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Op-Ed: I Don’t Know About You All, But I’m Getting Ahead of This AI Bubble By Selling All My Stocks and Taking All My Money Out of the Bank

When I first heard the rumor that the US economy was being propped up by artificially inflated growth in the AI sector, I thought it was laughable. But the signs keep piling up, and if twenty years on Wall Street have taught me one thing, it’s that selling off before a crash is pointless on…

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U.S. Special Forces Seize Oil-Rich Morrison Stir Fry

MORRISON DINING—Elite soldiers from the U.S. Army’s Delta Force captured an unknown quantity of oils, sauces, and udon noodles in a daring pre-dawn raid on Morrison Dining’s West Side Grill Wednesday morning. Shortly before 9:00 a.m., President Trump posted a picture of the seized foodstuffs on Truth Social. This official acknowledgement of American military action…

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