CLARA DICKSON HALL— While scrolling on Instagram on September 22nd, Andrew Tian ‘30, whose profile bio reads “Cornell ‘30 T12,” learned of a deeply perturbing development. US News and World Report’s new Best Colleges Ranking had rated Cornell University 14th, dangerously lower than the number 12 spot it occupied last year. Tian frantically started exploring universities within the top 12; assigning a weight of 0.20 to sport chant rhyminess, 0.16 to average height, and 15 other factors as crucial to his decision.
Tian’s roommate reportedly warned him against acting rashly. Tian followed the advice, and took a look around. Cornell didn’t seem worse to him. The beautiful slope, beloved clocktower, and Uris Hall stood strong and would likely continue for the foreseeable future. Overcome with anxiety, Tian came to a realization. The change was him. He had been the reason why a school with over 16,000 undergraduates fell two places in the rankings. His 1590 SAT and A- grade in CHEM 2090 were surely to blame.
Tian realized he was given the chance to contribute to a greater cause. To transfer from Cornell would be his ultimate sacrifice to save the school that he had loved. Without him, Cornell could regain those precious two spots in the rankings. He posted on his Instagram story, “Be good Cornell, for you have been good to me. It has been the greatest pleasure to spend the last year with you. It is only out of my love for you that I do this. Farewell.”
His roommate, who had been listening from across the room, reportedly waited several seconds before whispering underneath his breath, “Thank fucking god.”
