COLLEGETOWN—The proclivities of Collegetown roommates have inevitably emerged, and the victims of the 901 College Ave Apt-1 lease quickly realized that living together was about to go from string lights and girl nights to full-on fist fights. Held hostage by a lease, the girls couldn’t escape Lilith Quinn ‘26, self-proclaimed group leader.
“The second I rolled up to the porch, Lilith unfurled a scroll at the front door and demanded my signature in exchange for passage,” Brittany Camp ‘26 explained. Among the dozens of demands enacted, Camp was subject to living in the locust-infested basement as per “8: The last rent-payer to arrive shall reside in the left half of the cellar.”
Under the conditions inflicted upon the residents of the 6 bed 1 bathroom apartment, even guests are subject to Quinn’s demands. As long as the visitors “are not Geminis, from Jersey City, part of the Cornell Raptors Program, or affiliated with Dyson,” then they can apply for entry. After writing a cover letter and providing at least two references from current tenants, visitors may qualify to enter for up to 2 hours a week.
“Banning ‘all seasoning and spices’ from the kitchen was already excessive, but ‘sitting on the couch is pro-rated by the minute’ is fucking ridiculous,” Jennifer Huang ‘25 complained after being forced to season her lo mein with nothing but her own tears.
At press time, Quinn was allegedly spotted drawing a Circle of Protection around the property.
