COLLEGETOWN—Roommates Sarah McClesky ‘26, Madison Blake ‘26, Lauren Mitchell ‘26, and Jessica Anderson ‘26 celebrated the start of the new semester with an age-old tradition—packing every single person they’ve ever met into their shitty collegetown apartment.
“It’s like, almost October,” noted invitee Camila Martin ‘27. “I think their 500-square-foot four-bedroom has been sufficiently warmed.” But driven by pure fear of committing a social faux pas, the roommates’ friends, neighbors, and people they sit next to in class flocked to their home at the bottom of the Linden Avenue hill.
In their Partiful invitation, the roommates excitedly advertised “LINDEN LADIES CRAZY LIT HOUSEWARMING FUNCTION AT 101 LINDEN. Signature cocktails and a DJ will be provided. No Plus 1’s.” However, witnesses recount unmet expectations and a lingering sense of sadness. “The signature drink was just vodka and a little bit of orange juice, and they ran out of it immediately.” reported Parker Morris ‘26. “And I think the ‘DJ’ was just Sarah’s situationship with a bluetooth speaker.” Hanna Takahashi ‘26 described the crowd as “somehow everyone I didn’t want to run into and not a single interesting conversationalist.”
Their sheer failure as event hosts has not deterred the Linden Ladies from continuing to abuse their kind-hearted acquaintances and the Partiful text blast feature. Upon the last guest’s departure, the roommates had reportedly already begun to plan a similarly miserable and overcrowded house party for Jessica’s half birthday the following week.
