JFK AIRPORT—Throughout the record-long government shutdown, air travelers have endured widespread flight delays and cancellations as airports across the country grapple with staffing shortages. Even so, thousands of TSA agents have worked tirelessly over the past month—without pay—to meet the Department of Homeland Security’s unrelenting groping quota.
“It seemed inevitable that the shutdown was going to have real negative consequences for millions of Americans,” said DHS spokesperson Miranda Kelly. “But our heroic officers buckled down and just started groping everyone in reach.”
A hub for the world’s biggest airlines, JFK Airport serves upwards of 60 million passengers every year. Air travel peaks around the major holidays, and with Thanksgiving around the corner, the critically understaffed airport was at risk of grinding to a complete halt. However, Kelly reported that the remaining TSA agents basically threw all of that out the window and began groping passengers at a remarkable pace to ensure that they reached their destinations on time.
“This is the Super Bowl of security screening. We’re expected to meet quota no matter how dire the circumstances,” said Officer Marcus Turner, using both hands to fondle the crotches of two travelers at a time. “It’s all I can think about.”
Despite hours-long delays once they reached the gate, Terminal 4 passengers moved through security in record time due to the breakneck groping by Officer Turner and his team.
At press time, the TSA agents had exceeded their quota and begun stockpiling a massive groping surplus in case of a future government shutdown.
