WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In celebration of his 100th birthday, Willard Straight Hall ‘25 announced his candidacy for Congress last Monday, stirring confusion across campus. Students, under the impression that buildings and politicians could not feel or think, flocked to a press conference the following day to witness the giant structure speak.
“There comes a time in every young man’s life where they feel a higher calling,” explained Hall, “and for a youngin’ like me, I can’t think of a better endeavor than politics.” Hall then tried to explain his various positions—such as his support for prohibition—but was frequently drowned out by aides. Interrupting Hall mid-speech, one advisor told the candidate he “can’t say things like that anymore.”
If elected, Willard Straight Hall would be the youngest candidate to ever enter Congress. This reflects a greater paradigm shift in American politics, with voters favoring younger candidates despite their inexperience. Consequently, since his press conference, many Cornellians have expressed enthusiasm for Hall’s campaign.
“I don’t think he’s blinked or breathed within the past 3 hours,” noted Leroy Connors ‘29, a passerby. “I think many young voters will resonate with feeling lifeless.” One passerby, Cornell University President Michael Kotlikoff, seemed persuaded by the candidate’s youthful ramblings, saying he “couldn’t wait to explain DEI to Ol’ Willy” and that Hall would be receiving “many illegal votes from [him].”
Those interested in donating to the Willy For Congress PAC are encouraged to send all of their money to the aforementioned passerby.
