WASHINGTON, DC—Following the fatal shootings of two Minneapolis residents by federal immigration agents this month, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has responded forcefully to public demands for action.
“The administration’s behavior in Minneapolis is unacceptable,” he said at a press conference. “That is why Senate Democrats will be voting against DHS funding this week—unless, of course, Senate Republicans manage to make enough plausible-sounding empty promises about ‘accountability’ or something along those lines, or if they manage to stall until we get sleepy.”
Political analysts emphasized Schumer’s unusually tough language. “Strong, decisive verbs like ‘will’ and ‘will not’ show he means business,” said consultant June Mayhew. “Congressional Republicans just aren’t used to that sort of thing from their opponents.” Others noted the Minority Leader’s shrewd use of political leverage. “The really brilliant thing here is that he has a history of folding to Republican demands in exchange for nothing, and he even says exactly what could make him change his mind,” said pundit Alex Han. “If that won’t force Republicans to the negotiating table, I don’t know what will.”
In a later statement, the Office of the Minority Leader clarified that they are not seeking to force a shutdown, but are willing to seem like they are for a little while if it makes them feel strong and look like fighters. “Funding DHS is unthinkable with the current state of ICE,” it read in part. “What if we reformed it by buying a few more body cameras that can be covertly destroyed the next time they murder someone?”
At press time, Schumer has reportedly delayed his nap in order to vote for the bipartisan Protect Insider Trading Act.
