DAY HALL—In an effort to restore Cornell University to its rightful status as a paragon of free speech, Provost Kotlikoff has invited Ann Coulter ‘84 to speak on her illustrious career in tweeting and speaking to disinterested crowds. To great surprise, the prestigious alumnus accepted, but not without demands. The terms and conditions, arriving in…
WEST CAMPUS—Hoping to snag a coveted slot on West Campus, numerous rising sophomores were disappointed to learn that they would instead be living nowhere. While many housing lottery participants had worried that they might end up in Cascadilla Hall, they had not thought to worry that the Department of Housing & Residential Life would forget…
DAY HALL—Amid violently expressive protests around campus, President Pollack looks to improve the growingly pernicious Cornell ethos through the enforcement of the “compliment sandwich method.” “It’s come to our attention that some students have been saying hateful things about me–I mean members of the administration. This goes against our campus policy of being nice,” explained…
ROBIN HILL—Students have enjoyed a Golden Age of mild, rather than crippling, inaccessibility on campus. Since the fall of the Kremlin’s Chain-Link Curtain, students have been free to travel between East Ho Plaza and West Ho Plaza. And yet, they remain ungrateful. Students continue to complain about permanently fenced-off walkways labeled “Temporarily Closed” and other…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to facilitate the smooth operation of our institution. To that effect, my administration has worked tirelessly to ensure harmonious labor relations on campus. But goddamn, did we fuck this one up. While over six dozen hard-working grad students are content with the present arrangement,…
EDUCATION CITY, QATAR— Dear Cornell Community, Freedom of Expression is the foundation of academic understanding, breathing life into knowledge and inspiring impactful advocacy. Some may even say that Free Expression is indispensable. But here at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, we actually think it’s a little dispensable. To this end, I’m glad to announce our…
DAY HALL—This month, students protesting Starbucks due to their union-busting practices occupied Day Hall until administrators agreed to meet their demands. While VP Ryan Lombardi gave in to the protest, President Pollack remained unmoved–not because she doesn’t care about students or because her wage remains unaffected by her actions, but because she was unaware that…
At an event on Mother’s Day, President Pollack expressed her appreciation for the strong women who bore the burden of populating the forthcoming Cornell class of 2045. “Happy Mother’s Day! Motherhood is the greatest gift in life– any mother will tell you that,” began Pollack. “Sooooo, you’re welcome!” The celebration was highly interactive; inspired by…
DAY HALL—Though union organizers had hoped to share their demands with President Pollack at a meeting earlier this week, they were instead gifted with the president’s own sage wisdom. Pulling from her personal experience in the workforce, Pollack advised the group to simply seek out the coffee serving equivalent of Ryan Lombardi and “have him…
