Student Life

Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department. “Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but…

Student Returning Home For Thanksgiving Horrified by Unmistakable Signs That Parents Have Managed to Rekindle Long-Dead Sex Life in Their Absence

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

BLOOMFIELD, NJ — As students flocked to their hometowns in anticipation of Thanksgiving break, freshman Noah Yearwood was met with the horrifying discovery that his father is once again rearranging his mother’s guts. “Ever since I got home, my dad has been walking into the kitchen whistling every morning. I don’t normally think anything of…

CAPS Recommends Students Take a Gap Year In Between Lectures to Improve Mental Health

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

CORNELL HEALTH—In a surprising display of thoughtfulness from Cornell’s mental health services, CAPS has begun to suggest that overwhelmed students take a year off in between every lecture. “We see so many kids needlessly stressing out about their grades, and the pandemic, and literally everything else,” says counselor Matthew Greene. “It’s a good idea for…

“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive and early reports indicate that…

Heartwarming: A Capella Group Performs Charity Concert for Those Unlucky Enough to Share a Wall With Them

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

BAILEY HALL—The hills are alive with the sound of music, and so are those who attended the 127th annual charity concert hosted by Before Nine, one of Cornell’s elite a capella groups. As with every year previous, all proceeds raised by the performance will go directly to the pockets of those who need it most—the…

Econ Student Condescendingly Explains Why We Can’t Just Print More Big Red Bucks

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy. “Of course they can’t just print more BRBs, sweetie,”…

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is to grab my meal, retreat…

“He Probably Says That To All The Girls” Sighs Student After Receiving A “Come See Me After Class” Comment On Latest Failed Statistics Homework

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class. “I really…

Mom Just Calling To Let You Know The Neighbors Got A New Patio

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

ITHACA一 Oren Stephens ‘23 was in the middle of an Organizational Behavior lecture on Monday when he received three rapid calls from his mother, Susan, just letting him know that their neighbors got a new patio. Stephens was shocked at the consecutive calls and instantly worried that something terrible had happened, immediately calling her as…

Bricks on Stewart Avenue Eagerly Anticipate New Influx of Cars to Destroy During Homecoming Weekend

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

STEWART AVE—With the return of generations of Cornell alumni to Ithaca this coming weekend, the roads of Collegetown eagerly anticipate the opportunity to bump, scratch, and totally annihilate vehicles of all shapes and sizes. Particularly excited and primely located is the historic brick road portion of Stewart Avenue. Decades behind in much needed repairs and…

Student in Suit Evaluates, Judges Slightly Younger Student in Suit

Cornell Changes Motto to “Any Person, Computer Science”

Girl With Bi Flag Sticker on Laptop Thinks We Couldn’t Tell

Fourth Info Session Paints Club in Totally New Light

Mononucleosis Researcher Calls for Release of Epstein-Barr Phials

New Roommates Still Figuring Out Masturbation Schedule

Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

Student Returning Home For Thanksgiving Horrified by Unmistakable Signs That Parents Have Managed to Rekindle Long-Dead Sex Life in Their Absence

CAPS Recommends Students Take a Gap Year In Between Lectures to Improve Mental Health

“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

Heartwarming: A Capella Group Performs Charity Concert for Those Unlucky Enough to Share a Wall With Them

Econ Student Condescendingly Explains Why We Can’t Just Print More Big Red Bucks

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

“He Probably Says That To All The Girls” Sighs Student After Receiving A “Come See Me After Class” Comment On Latest Failed Statistics Homework

Mom Just Calling To Let You Know The Neighbors Got A New Patio

Bricks on Stewart Avenue Eagerly Anticipate New Influx of Cars to Destroy During Homecoming Weekend