STATLER HALL–Many were gripped by shock and awe today as what looked to be a procession of animated undead corpses made their way across central campus. Upon further investigation by campus officials, it seemed that the would-be arbiters of Armageddon turned out to be attending an investment banking information session. A witness to the ghastly…
NEW YORK, NEW YORK—After four years of undergrad and 27 total rejections from CCC, CCG, CYC, and various other combinations of three letters on a sweater vest, recent AEM graduate Danny Michaelson ‘23 feared that he’d never be able to make it in the business world. However, after a little bit of on-the-job training, Michaelson…
MORRISON HALL—After an arduous week of classes, the weary, hungry masses gathered in the one place that grants them respite, where the turbulence of life gives way to comforting predictability and dependable mediocrity: The Morrison Pasta Station. However, today, a cruel shock shattered this spaghetti sanctuary and the already-paper-thin wills of many students. “I have…
COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience. After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our…
SAGE ATRIUM—When Walter Pinker ‘27 emerged from his consulting club coffee chat with Isabella Mendez ‘26, he didn’t want to be a Classics major anymore. In fact, he also did not want to be straight, Catholic, white, or Walter, adopting the temporary moniker “WaPi” (wha-pee, something “more exotic”) while he positions himself to be the…
COLLEGETOWN—Saturday night festivities were in full swing last week and while some were busy with unproductive activities such as drinking and drugs, others were making some very public money moves. Power couple Angela Henderson ’25 and Eli Wilson ’24 spent their evening at Hideaway in a dark corner locking lips and grinding with abandon. “Some…
ITHACA—Thousands of local Ithaca residents have lost their homes in the wake of a seismic disaster following an email from President Martha Pollack, which carelessly granted 22,000 individuals the right to freedom of expression. At 11:04 AM on April 17th, the sound of thousands of voices simultaneously expressing themselves radiated out from Cornell’s campus, razing…
APPEL DINING ROOM– An internal University memo detailing controversial changes within the food troughs affectionately deemed “dining halls” surfaced this Monday. Most notably, Dining staff are now being recommended to serve “morsels” of food rather than the previously established “smidgens”. The announcement came as a shock to student dining workers who have recently mastered the…
IVES HALL—New research has confirmed that the vast majority of ILR students were drawn to their major due in part to the political ideology presented in Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type, Doreen Cronin’s 2000 commentary on labor relations in the American heartland. “Click, Clack, Moo completely revolutionized my life when I first read it…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers. “I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head…
