What is supposed to be a routine bathroom visit quickly turns into a nightmare whenever the automatic toilet begins flushing of its own volition. At its core, this is a question of man vs. machine. We are in a time of widespread uncertainty and hesitation regarding the role of artificial intelligence in our society. Yet,…
CRADIT FARM DRIVE—Since the start of the semester, students across campus have been terrorized by remorseless, bloodthirsty, and cruel individuals: E-Scooter riders. No roadway or path is safe from them. Last Thursday, Gloria Alvarado ‘28 was the latest victim. After a long day of being manhandled by chemistry homework, Alvarado was walking back to her…
DAY HALL—Much to students’ chagrin, sources confirmed that Vice President for Student & Campus Life Ryan Lombardi had seen his own shadow, an event purported to foreshadow an additional three weeks of prelim season in Cornell folklore. “It’s disheartening, to say the least,” said Melanie Bush ‘24. “Some people say that looking to a university…
Click here for larger bracket CU Nooz is proud to announce the 1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! 64 undergraduate majors will battle it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each major is,…
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
CORNELL HEALTH—President Martha Pollack officially marked the opening of the new Cornell Health building this week by christening it with a ceremonial STD test. “By taking this symbolic STD test, I am happy to usher in a new and improved healthcare system here at Cornell,” President Pollack remarked before informing the registered nurse that she…
JAMESON HALL – Upon arriving at Cornell this past week to begin his collegiate career, Vishwajit Patel ’19 discovered that he was unfortunately placed into a forced 3200-person room in Jameson Hall. “Man, I requested to be placed into a double, but now I’m stuck sharing my room with 3,199 other people. This blows,” said…
GATES HALL – After posting his credit card and social security numbers in a comment thread originally about graph theory, CS major Eddy Wright ‘18 realized too late that he had been catfished on the CS 2800 class Piazza forum. “I was having trouble with this inductive proof and I wanted to know if anyone…
COLLEGETOWN—After a toilsome day of classes, work, and club responsibilities, Cara Lewis ‘22 finished off her evening with a hot shower and a cold beer she described as “well-deserved.” “There was just so much going on today—I don’t know how I’d be expected not to have a little nightcap,” said Lewis. “I knew it…
DUFFIELD HALL—Having returned for the University’s Homecoming, alumnus Todd Bauer ‘20 found himself visiting some of his old haunts. He eventually arrived at Duffield Hall, where he gazed yearningly at the place where he had experienced some of the absolute lowest points of his life. “Wow, I’ve really missed this place! It hasn’t changed a…
