William Keeton House— Sources say that North Campus resident Sally Jacobs ’18 has been spending a concerning amount of time with Johnny Wilson ’17 who lives in Keeton House on Cornell’s West Campus. “Guys like that are scum, they’re all rats. Everybody knows he’s only after one thing,” said Jacobs’ best friend Tammy Carr ’18…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell administrators were shocked after learning that the entire campus has sunk an estimated 2.67 inches into the ground after the end of Thanksgiving break. Scientists believe that the disaster was caused by students who “disgustingly over-consumed” over the past week. “I haven’t really noticed any changes around campus” remarked John Clemens…
HO PLAZA—Cornell Counseling & Psychological Services made waves this week when the psychological services department unveiled their new slogan “What Are You Gonna Do? Cry About It?” The motto change comes as a surprise for many, who for years have known the slogan of CAPS to be “Dang, That Sucks, Good Luck With That Though.”…
ROBIN HILL—Students have enjoyed a Golden Age of mild, rather than crippling, inaccessibility on campus. Since the fall of the Kremlin’s Chain-Link Curtain, students have been free to travel between East Ho Plaza and West Ho Plaza. And yet, they remain ungrateful. Students continue to complain about permanently fenced-off walkways labeled “Temporarily Closed” and other…
HIGH RISE 5- During a holiday card writing party, Freshman Charity Parker engaged in what Jewish friends are calling the greatest display of ignorance since some idiot thought that a clearly 8-night bottle of oil would only last for one night. Sources say that as Charity jotted down heartfelt well-wishes to her religiously…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to ensure the well-being of the more than 20,000 students who study, work, and live in Ithaca. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides towards improving the student experience; from somewhat reducing the amount of asbestos in a few buildings to making…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Student Assembly Freshman Representative Maria Solis ‘21 is reportedly deciding between looking to identify and implement solutions that fight all forms of racism and bigotry on campus, or to lobby for a 7% increase in forks at Robert Purcell Marketplace Eatery. “Both issues are critically and equally important to the freshman class,” said…
ITHACA- Last Thursday, the Cornell campus erupted into chaos after McGraw Clocktower played “Rains of Castamere” over chimes. The song, widely associated with The Red Wedding, a horrific slaughter-fest in the hit HBO Series, “Game of Thrones,” could be heard all throughout campus. “I was just studying in the 7th Floor Stacks of Olin Library…
Move-In Day can be a mess, with thousands of students moving into their North Campus dorms. Stay ahead of the curve with these helpful tips: To make moving into your room a breeze, don’t bring anything. Secure a coveted parking spot close to your dorm arriving on campus 3 weeks late. Organize everyone in your…
ITHACA, NY – Yesterday, freshman Pre-Law Jacob McPherson sat in Olin 5th floor stacks unassumingly, contemplating taking the single 60 milligram dose of Adderall that he bought on Saturday night from a member of a fraternity on campus. After weighing the pros and cons, McPherson decided to ingest the study drug for the first time,…
