RAWLINGS GREEN—After an emotional week of preparation and group bonding, Orientation Leader Maxim Greenwald ‘24 gave one last instruction to his Orientees, that they should never speak to him again. Though Greenwald had spent the last week teaching the group all about the ins and outs of campus life, he knew that his final piece…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands. The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and…
ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture. “It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see is pretty tragic,” claimed Alicia…
UPSON HALL—While perusing course evaluation forms and hotboxing his on-campus office, mechanical engineering professor Travis Valensi began to wonder about the feasibility of some kind of equivalent student evaluation form. “It’s, uh, it’s kinda unfair that students can say whatever they think about professors, but professors don’t get that opportunity as well, you know?” said…
ITHACA, NY- Senior Mike Greensmith woke up at 3:00 am this morning in a cold sweat, confused and flustered by a recurring dream he has experienced over the past month.”It’s the same thing every time,” Greensmith ’14 told CU Nooz, “I’m walking around campus eating this tub of potato salad-I don’t know why- and then I…
RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university. “I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal…
HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94. In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, it is an excellent time…
RHODES HALL – With increasing likelihood that she will bomb her upcoming prelim, Shari Miller ’19, who has a perfectly clear, helpful, and approachable TA in Math 1110, is out of excuses for her inability to comprehend the material. “The problem is I simply can understand everything my TA says during discussion. It’s infuriating,” said…
OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER— White, upper-class freshman Rebecca Larson has recently been feeling intense anxiety about fitting in with her white, upper-class teammates on Cornell’s horseback riding team. “I feel like I won’t fit in here because I’m so different. For one thing, my stable at home was smaller than this place,” she said, grooming her…
DAY HALL—Saying that the university’s mission has been accomplished and there is no reason to continue, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to shut down operations next month after finally teaching every person every study. “Now that we’ve almost wrapped up graduating every single person in all possible subjects, there is nothing left for…
