RAWLINGS GREEN— So today is the final day that I’m going to be President of Cornell. Believe it or not, I’ve had this exact same thought twice before. It’s been a great three rides and an incredible experience being able to lead such a wonderful University, but even after all I have given to Cornell…
SUBTERRANEAN CAVES–In the wake of reports of a mysterious “scuttling noise” and muffled whispers in the walls of the Uris-Olin tunnel, the most recent pledge class of Alpha Delta Chi has reportedly been discovered living a subsistence-based lifestyle deep beneath the Cornell University campus. Having lived underneath campus since the end of the Spring ‘20…
KINZELBERG HALL—After multiple passers-by observed nutritional sciences major Anthony Walters ‘23 eating a cucumber as one might consume a banana, sources confirmed he must have access to some insider information. “There’s no way he’s just eating that because he enjoys it, right?” said civil engineering major Madison Davies ‘24. “Like, pickles I could maybe understand,…
DONLON HALL – After questioning numerous people and going through all plausible culprits in his head, Donlon resident Greg Parker ’19 claimed he was still clueless as to who could have left the clump of hair he found in the shower on the third floor. “Nobody on this floor has long blond hair, and yet…
MALOTT HALL — Everyone seems to think Professor Strogatz teaches differential equations phenomenally, so someone please tell me why I’ve spent the last three hours trying to convert two fifths into decimal format? I’m convinced Strogatz doesn’t even have the proper credentials to teach at an institution like Cornell. He boasted about how he learned…
This past Friday, the most dire tragedy in the life of a young bright college student came to fruition—that’s right, it was laundry day. Sadly the 57 pairs of identical black socks I brought from home did not absolve me from this soul crushing experience. The arduous process began sharply at dawn to avoid everyone…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Unbeknownst to all but the Daily Sun’s four dedicated readers, Cornell Football suffered a loss last Saturday in their opening match against Colgate University. However, the team was “comforted” by the “complete lack of interest or attention from the student body,” said head coach Dan Swanstrom. As a result, players were dismayed to learn…
Alex Parker ‘27, resident unfeeling alpha-sigma-kappa-delta-epsilon bland male came to face his greatest fear at Cornell-hinting at a morsel of personality-when forced to open up during the first week in an introductory discussion. The haunting assignment guidelines asked to “Share something you did over the summer and what you like to do for fun.” He…
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis remains in critically awesome condition, according to Holy See officials. “On February 14, His Holiness was admitted to Rome’s Gemelli Hospital for complications resulting from a gnarly wipeout,” said Vatican spokesman Matteo Bruni. “We pray that he recovers as quickly as his nimble board grinds down the railings of St. Peter’s Basilica.”…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone. “Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights,…
