Due to under-staffing, all campus libraries and study spaces (other than Carpenter Hall) are now closed. The campus library system is frequented by thousands of students every day. The libraries are mostly used for socializing, sleeping, eating, printing things, and occasionally completing course work. The decision to close library facilities was poorly received by the…
ROCKEFELLER HALL – In an attempt to prevent his students from cheating, Physics Professor Karl Nussbaum has banned the use of advanced calculators on his exams, although he surprisingly has said nothing about the use of rotisserie chicken. “When Professor Nussbaum said that graphing calculators were not allowed, everyone in the lecture hall looked at…
WASHINGTON, DC—A nationwide lurch to the right has secured a second term for former president Donald Trump. Suburban swing voters like homemaker Brittney White of Doylestown, Pennsylvania, were an important part of Trump’s winning coalition. White, who voted for President Biden in 2020, explained that although Trump has promised to govern as “a dictator,” the…
ITHACA—Following weeks of preparing contingency plans for a potential on-campus Fall 2020 Semester, University administrators have developed a viral containment and public relations strategy to deal with the inevitable outbreak that will occur in Mary Donlon Hall. Seen as a breeding ground for highly transmissible diseases given the perpetually close-knit nature of its residients and…
KEETON HOUSE—English Major Reid Leddy ‘26 found himself both mystified and awed today after receiving a message from someone he believed to be unreachable. Though Leddy’s TA was nowhere nearby, she was able to communicate with Leddy through the Canvas messaging system in order to inform him that he had still not turned in last…
McGRAW TOWER — After years of obsolescence, Cornell’s clock tower has finally undergone renovations and has been updated to a newer, sleeker digital interface at 326 pixels per inch. “With technology changing as rapidly as it is today, we need to be sure to keep up with modern trends,” said Dave Choi of the University…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Cornell’s forefront researchers have vowed to confront a puzzle that has flummoxed scientists for generations: whether frat guys look like frat guys because they’re in a frat, or if frat guys are in a frat because they look like frat guys. “For decades, the world’s top human ecologists have looked at the…
In a targeted attack to ruin my life, absolute shitstain Roger Wilhelm ‘22 continues to be successful at literally everything, while I can’t even tie my shoelaces without them coming undone five steps later. Roger recently announced his internship at Doctors Without Borders, which he only got because his roommate’s aunt’s tennis partner-in-law worked there…
DAY HALL–In a virtual statement given this morning President Pollack informed the plague-ridden student body that effective immediately, all Greek life members will be subject to coronavirus testing every thirty minutes. “Listen up, motherfuckers,” Pollack growled. “It’s Martha rules from now on. From now on, no brother or sister will be able to eat, sleep,…
HO PLAZA, BASE OF OPERATIONS – The Ithaca sector of the Girl Scouts of America have entered the next phase of their campus infiltration, as dozens of six-year-olds and their parents enforce their confection-based fascist agenda outside of Willard Straight Hall. “These freethinkers will pay for not accepting our cookies as mandated by the constitution…
