THURSTON AVENUE—Cornell Panhellenic has announced the addition of a 14th chapter for students who are looking to join a sorority, but terminate their membership after a year. “I am very interested because I have always wanted to live in a fancy house, but ditch before I have to drown myself in paint and glitter to…
Upon pecking through their shells and scanning the campus around them, twelve newly hatched freshmen imprinted on the first Cornellian they saw, junior Ellen Hayes, convincing themselves that she was their mother. “I’m too young for this responsibility,” Hayes said. “When they followed me into lecture, they all just stood there, staring at me, expecting…
This week, dozens of activists lined Ho Plaza bearing posters, megaphones, and homemade T-shirts. The subject of their protest: The iconic, and remarkably phallic, McGraw Tower. Protesters handed out quarter cards urging students to pressure administrators to create a “penis-free campus environment,” and to keep “173 foot mega-boners” out of higher education. “It’s disgusting and…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—As club finances have begun to run out, organizations around campus have been getting desperate in their attempts to gather funding. Certain organizations have been taking especially unique approaches. Particularly aggressive clubs have resorted to tackling passersby and shoving multitudes of stale, cold, chicken sandwiches down their throats. “One moment I was on…
By Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner Howdy partner! I didn’t see you wander into town. Nice day for it though…mighty nice day. Whelp, since you’re new here I figured I’d introduce myself and let you know that I’m the sheriff ‘round these parts. No cause for alarm, stranger! If you don’t start any trouble we…
STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy. “Of course they can’t just print more BRBs, sweetie,”…
This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match…
WEST CAMPUS—Last Thursday, the cooks at Hans Bethe House tried their best and offered up a flavorless take on a dish with deep cultural roots. The dining hall staff was confident that, after about fifteen minutes of looking up empanada recipes, they could accurately deliver a cultural staple that has been perfected over generations all…
STATLER HALL— After spending his entire 10:10 class waiting in a digital queue to get mezzanine seat 18E for Eric Andre’s upcoming show, Ben Kilbourne ‘21 reportedly “won’t shut the fuck up” about his sucessful purchase of single ticket. “All these losers are posting on Facebook about how they missed out, and they pathetically offered…
NORTH CAMPUS — Legacy admit Ella Anderson ‘20 has accused her roommate Stephanie Park ‘20 of being a “brat” for making up her mold allergies to live in Mews Hall, the newest dorm on North Campus, instead of leveraging powerful alumni connections. “Who would go so far as to petition the student housing office to…
